parting ways

I just want everyone to stop blaming me for not being friends with them! I know it seems like jess can do no wrong but she has a lot of faults and was the main reason why we stopped being friends. I still wanted to work things out and up until recently i still did, shes the one whos being immature and is just stupid. It shows how much she valued our friendship, and I'm not the first or second "best friend" shes thrown away, its just HER! Not me! Yes I had a part in it but it wasnt all me. Theres not reason for her to be mad at me and not want to be my friend, thats what annoys me the most its all BULLSHIT! I feel like everyone blames me, but honestly she was a shitty friend and her reaction to the whole stupid non-sense situation is proof enough. I can't STAND that people blame me for it, I dont blame myself so what gives you ANY right to blame me when you dont even know the full situation?!? I am content with the way things are, just let me move on. I looked at my old IMs from around that time period of june 6th party and I really understood where I was coming from. I was pissed from the week before and not just bc of the whole "we like her" thing but just the way she reacted to it was just weird and hurt my feelings and she knew that. And then all the other shit she pulled at the party, I know I yelled at her to stop but thats all I said... "You need to stop" I dont think that was a lot to ask of my best friend to stop hurting my feeligns, when she knew damn well because I told her a few days before. She just seems heartless.. and oh the "I PROMISE i'll respond" oh really u do now? well your a fucking liar and dont deserve my friendship. I am a good person and I hate that you and everyone else make me feel like shit STILL! months later.... I could really care less about being her friend again, I KNOW I am much better off, bc she brought my down, shes a miserable person and she brought me with her, I hate when ppl talk shit about their "best friend" behind their back and i became that person bc of jess always complaining about maria, and i know i was miserable with being friends with maria so yes i am a lot happier now, just annoyed as to why they dont want to be friends anymore, but whatever, its unfortunate and I have to forget about it, bc the truth is i have much better friends now then they ever were to me, i tried so hard to be friends with them and what was the point? so they could use me?! fuck that, and fuck them, i'm so done, its really to the point of it being funny. I'm perfectly content with my friends now, who are so amazing, and I really dont want anything to do with them.

back to life

So I havent wrote in a while, I've been crazy busy, but in a good way. I think I've become more myself again. I went through my "rebellious" phase, not so much bad but more I dont give a fuck about anything or anyone else but my own happiness.That's selfish and immature. Yeah it was right after my mom got sick and passed away and thats fine, It was my way of dealing but I'm glad its over. I was never truly satisfied. Looking back I did have a lot of things I shouldve been happy for but for some reason I wasnt. I was always complaining about something and I never use to be like that. I really think it was the people I surrounded myself with. They were bad influences, not so much in the sense of drugs and alcohol, but with the type of person I was becoming. I didnt care enough about school, and I was really just a brat and was miserable. I do not regret any of the choices I made because looking back I had fun, but I regret not appreciating things for the way they were, I always wanted more, I was never completely satisfied. Now I'm becoming more like my old self who was laid back, and looked at things positively. I try not to let stupid things bother me, because its wasted energy, I have too much on my plate with school. I think school was the best thing for me this semester, it kept me busy and forced me to make the decisions that I was too weak to make myself. I wanted to make them I just needed the extra push. And really it was my decision to try my best in school, if I didnt want to then I could choose not to, but I am more than dedicated. That's exactly how I was before my life got complicated. I may not do as well as I would like but I'm trying so hard and I'm doing better than expected (if that makes sense). But its such a difference from last year. I would always complain about doing bad in school but I never really did anything about it. Now I see how I can improve and I do it. I dont even miss going out, it doesnt phase me. There was a time when I would be completely miserable if I didnt go out on a friday or saturday or whenever. I wasn't happy with myself, with my life, I needed to escape so I looked to other people and parties and drinking. Thats not really the most healthy way to deal. I couldnt stand being home so I made myself scarce. Now I look at my house as being comforting, I cant wait to go home and lay in bed or the living room. I also have been talking to my dad a lot and that makes me very happy, I know it makes him happy too. I cant be selfish and I dont want to be. I know my dad felt like he lost both his wife and daughter, I couldnt stand talking to him, it was too hard, being reminded that my mom wasnt with us. I needed that time to heal, but now I can actually talk about her with him and not feel on the verge of a panic attack. I have big goals that I want to achieve and I want to do them, that really does comfort me. I want to do homework to get ahead. Some days are rougher than others but I'm doing good. I also havent drank in a while and I dont feel the need to. Also, I havent had a crush on someone in a while, a major crush that usual consumes me, pointless I should say. I think that has a major part in how i feel too. I don't need a guy to make me happy, yea it would be nice to share my life with someone, because it does get lonely but then I turn on the tv and live vicariously through characters who are much hotter and skinnier than I am haha Instead I'll wait, because I think of myself higher than I have before and I know one day a certain boy will appreciate all my quarks and fall for me the same way I fell for all the boys I've liked. Its refreshing not having to try to make someone like you, it shouldnt be like that. One guys opinion of me shouldnt affect my mood, or the way I perceive myself. I like who I am and if you don't then move on, someone will. I'll be here with the dreams on my mind and hope in my heart, I'll be here.

I desperately want to be different.

I want to be the kind of girl that you meet and immediately recognize I'm not like all the others, I'm fun, smart, dedicated, funny, crazy but in a good way, and just out there. I dont want to be compared to anyone, or to remind you of someone. I want to be me. I don't want to fit in, and do what everyone else is doing, I want to do me, I need to do me. I don't want to care what other people think.

I dont know why or where this came about, but for some reason I'm set on being different, standing out. Maybe I just want someone to notice me. I think I'm pretty unique (or mostly just crazy) but at the end of the day I like who I am, now I just want to find other people who like me too. I've been told I have good style and a strikingly contagious laugh, and I'm not afraid to be myself, to be loud and a little bit obnoxious, but I am afraid of being looked over.

"It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring"