Closing thoughts

I want to be different I want them to care and miss me and regret losing me as a friend. But then I think about how they treated Jolie and Michelle. I should really say jess bc Maria just follows whatever jess does and how she thinks. Jess didn't so much as talk about them so I doubt she missed them and they were at one point as close as we were so I'm sure I'm just the same. She resents me for not contacting her which is bullshit bc I tried more than I shouldve. She really was so quick to walk away after all we've been through, it took a lot for me to just walk away it was hard and I'm sure for her it wasn't. I tried not to show it and it got easier as time went on. I figured time would help us but instead it put this awkward barrier between us that proves how much we're not friends anymore. Nelly once said to me that she would never just walk away from me, that she would fight for me no matter what I did. That's what a true friend does, they at least try to work it out, if it doesn't then fine but u don't just walk away, not if u really care about them. A part of me wants to tell her all this but the other part says what's the point, she's a shitty friend and I want her to know that but she won't take any blame for it. I want to get it off my chest I want her to know what she did but it won't do any good its not gonna change anything, so again what's the point.

Boys are overrated.

Its just a feeling we get. The same feeling i get when I go shopping, get good grades and after a good run. At least those things never disappoint me.

Strength

Life constantly knocks you down and when u think nothing worse can happen it does... This is me getting up.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself

I'm actually a lot happier now, I can see the difference. I stop myself from thinking negatively and today I'm actually ok with the past unfortunate events. I realized I'm a lot happier and I havent talked to pj in over a week, that says a lot. I like not seeing or talking to him, I feel better about myself and thats the most important thing. He brings me down. I dont need that in my life.

My one true love.

Everything seems clearer when u run. I was lost before and I'm actually finding my way and going back to my happy self and that always happens when I start running again. Sometimes I forget and stop and that's when I become lost. I always know how to find my way, it's just the motivation to start again that's hard but once I do it's total bliss.

My life in a nutshell

Fashion keeps me sane

"You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that's what it's like when I see a store. Only it's better."

"When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again. "

"A man will never love you or treat you as well as a store. If a man doesn't fit, you can't exchange him seven days later for a gorgeous cashmere sweater. And a store always smells good. A store can awaken a lust for things you never even knew you needed. And when your fingers first grasp those shiny, new bags... oh yes... oh yes. "

The power of positive thinking

You can do anything you put your mind to. If you think you're going to fail then you will. If you want to be miserable then you will be. You have to want to do something, no matter how hard it is if your mind is set you will accomplish it. If you want to lose weight you will. If you talk yourself out of something then you wont do it. However, if you talk yourself into something you will. If you let yourself be happy then you will find the happiness in things. You have to be in the right mind set for anything in life. If you're not then you will fail.

50/50

Jess and maria have the perfect relationship. Maria needs jess to feel cool and jess needs maria to feel worshipped. Maria knows jess talks shit about her to everyone and i mean everyone behind her back, yet shes still best friends with her. That is NOT okay. Thats not a best friend! I wish maria was stronger than that but shes not. It's beneficial for her to be friends with jess. And as for jess, Maria is up her butt to be her friend when they fight, Jess likes the attention simple as that. She acts like she doesnt but yet she keeps going back to her and hasnt even bothered to talk to me. That was our downfall. I stopped talking to her. How pathetic is that. She wants me to beg her to be my friend again but I wont do that. I wont force her to be my friend. I made my effort, it was her turn and she didnt (and hasnt for over a month now). So I moved on with no chance of ever going back, and I'm okay with that. I know Jess wont try to contact me bc shes too proud for that, which is dumb. So if she doesnt want to be my friend then so be it. I DONT need her. Regardless of how highly she thinks of herself, I'm fine without her. I'm not gonna play into her ego like maria does and contact her first. She lost her chance with me. And maria sided with her. Like she did with jolie and michelle. Whoa their ex-best friends list is getting pretty long. And they dont even realize that it's them. I feel sorry for them. Oh well. Karma's a bitch.

Never trust a hoe

I woke up last night from a dream bc it made me cry... that happens to me a lot. I let out my emotions in my dreams and they sometimes really upset me to the point where I wake myself up. I usually have these dreams about my mom. It either upsets me or its a fantasy where I believe she's still alive, thats the worst bc then I wake up and have to remember that it was just a dream. Its kind of that false relief that my life is what it once was but no, it was just me pretending yet again. Anyway back to last night, I guess you could say it resembled one of my fears. No actually scratch that it is definitely one of my concerns but I have no control over it anymore and if its the truth then so be it. It was of course about jess and maria and pj and fitz. Although non of them were in my dream, jess' sister kim was and i was trying to figure out why me and jess arent friends anymore and then she said how they were all hanging out that night and i was blindsighted and it of course upset me. I know it has probably happened, I have a gut feeling and I'm usually right. Especially with them, you would think I would trust them more to be better than that but then again we arent friends and they've done it to me before. Trust was a major issue with them. They always hide shit because they dont want to hurt the other ones feelings but finding out about something that was lied about is even worse. I saw it all the time with jess telling me not to tell maria that we were hanging out without her. I shouldve known then that she has probably done that to me. One time was really bad when they went behind my back and did something and when maria said I have something to tell you I guessed it right away and she was like how do u know... because I didnt trust you and figured you would be sneaky about it. I guess we want to believe the good in ppl but if we see them do it to others what makes me think they wont do it to me?! I saw it with pj, he would say shit about other ppl and liked to gossip, I was stupid to think he respected me enough to not do that to me. I think thats what upsets me the most, not the fact that they might be hanging out behind my back but the fact that I'm stupid enough to believe that they would never do that to me. We're not friends anymore for a reason. I shouldn't be concerned with this or upset by it but regardless if I ever had proof of it then I would be upset bc jess blames me choosing them over her (which isnt true) and the fact that I'm not friends with them anymore is pathetic. Well whatever they can all talk shit about me if they want, because the dream didnt really upset me as much as i thought it would, it did when i was dreaming it but its whatever, the truth is we're not friends anymore so they have no obligation to me, nor would it be considered going behind my back, because they wouldnt have to try to hide it, they would probably gloat about it actually. Yeah they're shitty people.

one day

Moment of weakness

I want you to give me a reason to forgive you. I got the dumb idea in my head today that you might actually want to apologize to me, but the bigger question is will i forgive you. In this moment I want to but we could never go back to what i thought we had bc it was all a lie, a lie on your part. I can never trust you again. You would have to earn it back and even then i could never fully know how you view me, us, our friendship. I shouldn't forgive you. You probably dont even want to apologize so that little stupid hope is for nothing. I dont even know why I'm holding on to it bc you're so fake and said fucked up things and its NOT okay.... I shouldn't forgive you.

Its time to go back

I use to be this happy person but somewhere along the lines I lost that. I hated when ppl use to say "fuck my life" or "i hate my life" bc i actually had a real reason to hate my life and i tried so hard not to fall into that hole that i have now made a comfy little home in. Any small thing that goes wrong I without a thought say those dreaded words and saying them over and over again makes you really think them. I use to see the good in everything and love life regardless of all the negativity. And that's what happiness is. I miss those days.

I wish you didn't have this much of an affect on me.

I want a confrontation but I'm afraid of what you'll say.
I don't want to be your friend but I want you to make me forgive you.
I don't want to fight but I want you to fight for me.
I want to stop caring but I want you to miss me.
I hate you but mostly I hate myself because of you.

Happiness

No regrets

Drown in your fake personality

This is cheesy but non-the-less true. You pissed off the wrong person, I hope u realize that. You all are fake, have fun with each other

enough for now

I guess the hardest part about letting go is because i cant figure out the reasons why. I know I have to let go of figuring out why we're not friends or why u hate me when ive been nothing but nice to you, in order to fully move on. I'm not gonna find out why and dwelling on it only makes me hate you more. Hate will not help me let go, bc i'm still connected to you. I need to realize that I didnt do anything and i couldnt have prevented it. Yea I thought we were friends but you're fake simple as that. You're not my friend. You treated me like shit. There's nothing more to say.

silence is golden

It takes all the strength in the world to speak out for what you believe in, but there's even more strength in walking away and just letting go.

I dont miss you.

I miss the good times we had together and the reasons why we were friends in the first place, But I need to remember all the reasons why we're NOT friends anymore.