Its a fine line that determines if we're meant to be

"I of course will be sitting right across from you"

Its comforting how when you least expect it someone can say the exact thing that you needed to hear and its crazy how at other times someone else can be so clueless.

wishes dont come true.

I WISH ONE DAY YOU'LL TALK TO ME!
I WISH ONE DAY I'LL GET OVER THIS!
I WISH IT WAS AS EASY AS YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME SO WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT YOU?
I WISH IT DIDNT FEEL LIKE A PERSON STANDING ON MY CHEST AT THE MENTION OF YOUR NAME!
I WISH LIFE WAS DIFFERENT!
I WISH IT NEVER CHANGED!
I WISH YOU SAID THE THINGS I WANTED YOU TO SAY, THATS JUST ANOTHER REASON WHY WE'RE NEVER MEANT TO BE!
I WISH HE DIDNT MISS YOU BUT I CANT BLAME HIM, I JUST WISH HE DIDNT SAY IT TO ME.
I WISH I DIDNT SET MYSELF UP FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.
I WISH MY NEW LIFE IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FORGET ABOUT MY OLD LIFE.
I WISH I DIDNT FEEL CRAZY ALL THE TIME!
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT OR WANT YOU BACK THE NEXT SECOND!
I WISH I DIDNT FEEL SO ALONE!
I WISH I DIDNT FEEL GUILTY!
I WISH YOU DIDNT BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED!
I WISH U UNDERTAND THAT ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT!
I WISH I WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT TOO!
I WISH WISHES CAME TRUE!

My life

"For many of us, the old saying ‘time heals all wounds’ does not seem to apply. Maybe some days are better than others, but overall it seems that no matter what we do we are still so caught up in our feelings and emotions that we can’t move on."

Whats on my mind....

Ive been sad this week over my mom a lot, it keeps hitting me at the weirdest times with the weirdest things. Shopping at lord and taylor, it was the hardest thing and that was a weird experience. I use to go there with you it seems like every day, but we were a team that always shopped together. You're the reason I love to shop! I was looking at the clothes in a different sense than I use to bc im older now and of course bc i dont have u there to buy anything i wanted. That was the most different, bc you would always be so selfless and buy me anything and everything if u could. This time i looked at the price tags and went jeez no thanks, but i knew even if i said that u would still buy it for me. You always had ur coupons but still, i miss that loving gesture, i dont think i appreciated it as much as i shouldve. I really miss everything. The worst is thinking what would you be doing right now if you were still here, what would i be doing? I know id be happy with you being here, i always was. Now I look outward for my happiness hoping i can find it in someone like i had in you, and i always seem to be disappointed bc no one will ever love me with the devotedness that you did. It hurts so much to even think about me having to go on without you there. I look at nicole and how shes pregnant and her mom always commenting on her status and stuff and how they're best friends and I miss us, I'll never have that. I always said I would move next to u when i had a family bc i knew how much it killed u that darlene and them were so far away. I wanted to make it up to you, plus i couldnt do it alone, i need you. Idk what im gonna do when that time comes. I'm gonna be lost. I remember me and daddy found a blanket u made, idk who for, and i thought oh maybe give it to sophia and daddy goes no keep it for when u have a baby and i seriously did everything in my power to keep my composure bc it hit me that i wouldnt get a little outfit for my baby like u did for darlenes, i cant handle u not being around. Idk why these past few weeks ive been crying nonstop but i cant help but miss you terribly. I almost lost it in the diner today in front of my new friends who dont know that side of me to comfort me, when i saw a lady sitting at a table by herself eating and she looked like u for a second i though it was you but then it was this lonely lady who i couldnt help but cry for bc she seemed so alone. I know the feeling. I loved being with uncle charlie and aunt maria and aunt debbie they make me feel loved like a family should, im not use to that either. I'm use to just me and my dad and as much as i love him with all of my heart, its not the same and i know he feels the same way. he more keeps to him self, but i need to open up to ppl and distract myself and i need constant reminders that I am worth being loved. That i am worth being made dinner for. The thing that pisses me off more than anything is the fact that sarah and charlie dont appreciate aunt maria at all and sleeping over there one night and waking up to her cooking breakfast for us, made me appreciate her so much, bc thats something a mom does and thats somethign i will never know again, and they treat it like its nothing and shes just always going to be there, they dont even say thank you they just bitch and treat her like shit, and she continues to love them despite all of it bc thats what moms do, I think one of these days im gonna try talking to sarah about it but i know she'll never listen to me. It really bothers me tho. I had a dream last night that also really bothers me, I woke up so upset by it and it upset me more bc of the subject. It was very weird but basically i was in class and pj maria and jess were apparently in the same class and we walk outside and i hear them talking about me, and it was really mean and then pj walked away and left maria and jess going wow i feel bad for lauren, like i wasnt standing there, and i walk after pj regardless of what i know just happened then i turn around and hear jess and maria talking to my new friends about how stupid i act over him... it was all very sureal. Idk if its basically putting in a nutshell what happened or what. Maybe its just me trying to remind myself that pjs not a good person and i know this, ive experienced it, idk why i forgave him for doing what he did. I actually missed him today and that freaks me out bc why would i miss someone who only causes me pain?! i reallyyy dont get it. I dont understand why i think he makes me happy. I really thoguht i was over it, bc when he rsvp no to joes party i was like oh ok, i really didnt care at all and normally id be so lets face it miserable, but i wasnt. So idk why all of a sudden i want to talk to him. Maybe im just lonely in the liking someone aspect and im going towards the person i last liked? i know i even tried to talk to dan O and he hates me i swear, and it sucks but it is what it is. idk maybe i was just feeling weak today, hopefully tomorrow is better...ugh BUt why do i miss you?! I met ppl who actually appreciate me, and compliment me and i know i can find someone who wants me in every sense of the word, who likes being around me, when you clearly dont, well not as much as i would like u to. I know i can do better and yet i still keep going back to u and it kills me! I really want to know why u have such a hold on me, and its not like i dont try to disconnect u from my life, i dont talk to u and i delete ur number and i hate you! yet i keep going back to u, or u keep pulling me back to u i should say. i mean it all comes down to u liking the attention bc its true we do like to be around ppl who like us even if we dont like them back bc it boosts our ego, but its ridiculous, i wish i was more mature with the way i handle u, and i really wish i would stop fucking missing you! mb i miss feeling like shit all the time and the drama that u bring, idk i really dont. A part of me wants to stop any communication with u for good, and another part wants to forget my pride and just hang out, to actually be friends, to hang out and to be cool, i just have this suspicion that ur gonna somehow burn me again, and i cant be friends with u if i always have doubt. ughhh i wish u werent such a dick and i wish i would find someone else already to forget all about u, bc thats the reason why i cant fully move on bc i need to like someone else to get over it all! but i havent met anyone worth it yet, im hoping i do soon.

mommy

“'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

Jessica campo.. sorry was that too blunt? whatever your loss

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”

Is it that simple?

every day of your life ;-)

overthinking is my downfall

YESSSSSS hahah

sad reality

hahaha so true!

I'm very out there and I wouldnt have it any other way

I'm waiting

walking away is cowardly

I think the hardest thing is knowing that I would/could NEVER walk away from you and you made it look so easy. I don't deserve that even if I did ruin things. I put more blame on myself than I should've and you still are acting like a child, its bullshit it really is, and the sad thing is that i still would want to be friends with you, even though its CLEAR that u dont give a shit about what we had or care about me at all. Its all on you now, and it makes u look like a small classless person. I am very disappointed in myself for the way I acted but whats worse is I'm more disappointed in how youre acting now. I thought you were better than that.

Nelly<3

I'm a simple girl

the greatest times i have are in the park pretending im a little kid again, i miss it

hmmm

I love this quote

Its the perhaps part that scares me

1121 <3

This describes me so much

so true

New clothes do wonders on the soul

A big heart will forgive a closed heart will just walk away

be kind

I need a new "him"

my biggest fear

I do my own thing and dont really care what ppl think of me

My heart never left the beach that day, it remains with you

Darlene-"Aw Lauren your flower doesnt want to go into the ocean, its still holding on, it symbolic"
me (under my breath)- "I could never let go"

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held on to.

idk why u text me today, honestly why? do u really care? do u really want to be my friend?! I'm not use to that, someone actually fighting to be my friend, usually its me frighting to keep someone as my friend. honestly i dont understand why anyone would want to be my friend, but yeahh... I really dont get you, Even when i clearly know ur not interested i still get conflicted feelings from u. you said i could trust u 100% idk if i trust that, you could just be bullshitting me but why would u? Its not like u went out of ur way to contact maria or jess when u noticed they were missing, why did it bother u so much that i havent been talking to u? I dont get it. but the more i dont get it the more i keep holding on to something thats not there. Something i dont even want anymore. I just miss having a stable thing, I'm not use to being on my own i always had maria and jess when i was at school, now i have to do things by myself and it freaks me out a little but i like it, im just lonely. BUT I'm finding someone new and different and who actually appreciates me, bc lifes too short to hold on to nothing and to not feel liked back.

“To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed.”

99.9% of the time, its what i cant have

Its in your own hands no one elses

Haha this is funny for a certain someone lol

The one's who make an effort to stay are the ones that matter

I feel so alone, my life is incomplete without you

Live and learn

Romeo save me

save me

One of a kind

I'm not like every other girl, and I think
that's where you made your first mistake.

Againts all Logic we never give up HOPE.

i've heard that it's possible to grow up
i've just never met anyone who's actually done it
without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves
we throw tantrums when things don't go our way
we whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark
we look for comfort where we can find it
and we hope, against all logic, against all experience, like children..
we never give up hope.

Lifes best wish

eye opener?

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

hopeful in a hopeless situation

Am I just waiting on something that will never come?!?

Embracing my new life

I'm in a much better state of mind than I have been throughout my college experience. I'm more focused now and it couldnt have come at a better time. I'm a senior so i should be serious about my future. I wouldnt take back anything i did my past years bc i had the best time and i had the "college experience". It really is for the best that I'm not really friends with my past friends bc i need to focus on my school work. Yea occasionally i'll miss out on having fun but studying is so much more important and being home more for my dad. I guess I still feel sad that I'm not friends with them bc i cant imagine them not wanting to be friends with me anymore after all we've been through and after everything i've done for them, like one stupid incident made us not friends anymore and it doesnt make sense to me. But regardless of how it happened, I kind of glad it did bc i cant fool around this semester and i know i would if i was still included with them. Maybe one day they'll miss me, maybe one day they'll come back, but i really think at this point its too late, I wouldnt make much of an effort, I made all the effort I could, its done, its over. I feel like i broke up with them haha but like with any break ups i'll move on, i have great friends that i dont need them. I'm much better off

Help me

9/14/07 is and will forever be the worst day of my life. Each year following will be the one day i cant help but drown in my sorrow, i'm dreading that day and it doesnt get easier as the years go on.

lifes unfair

Its funny bc when i really think about how messed up my life really is, I'm surprised I'm not more crazy than I already am

My heart remains in montauk

skeptical

You never get over a loss of a loved one, you're just FORCED to live without them

Almost 2 years and it freaks me out, i cant even describe how much. I've been thinking/dreaming/pretending about you a lot lately and it breaks my heart to know that i can never be truly happy as i was when u were still alive. I stop myself from remembering our long car rides, our shopping trips, or when u would just come home and say here i was at the store and thought u would like this. I miss someone caring about me no matter what i did wrong and telling me that its ok, that i'm gonna be ok that i shouldnt be upset by things. You had so much faith in me to be a good person and to be smart, even when i wasnt, u would never be disappointed. You would tell me how pretty i was when i knew i wasnt, but in ur eyes i was. I miss that feeling i always got when u were around. How you could immediately tell when i was upset and even when i said i was ok you knew i wasnt and would give me a hug, oh how much i miss those hugs, i felt so secure like nothing bad could happen to me. I will never have anything close to how i felt with you. I would like to think I'm not that screwed up because of what happened but how can i just literally watch the most important person in my life die and say that it doesnt still affect me?! I have intimacy issues bc of it, i constantly need to have a sense of being loved and not alone. i constantly need reassurance of this feeling bc i was so use to feeling it everyday and now i dont. i miss dinner, i havent had a real dinner since the last time you cooked, but then again a real dinner would include you and that will never happen. I honestly dont know how i do it,this whatever this is. And i dont know how i can be strong in this sense but not in anything else in my life, i guess all my strength goes to not having a mental breakdown. I dwell on everything else except this bc the moment it even comes in my mind i break down so i push it away. i cant describe in words the feelings i get when i think about you, it hurts doesnt even come close. I feel like i cant go on with my life without you. I always say a piece of me died with you and its true, i'm not the same person and even tho my life is better in a social sense than it was, i would trade it all in a second. I always feel alone, and its not fair that i havent even gotten the chance to not feel alone anymore. Ive had the worst luck in that department with guys and i really need to not feel alone anymore. I know this semester is gonna be filled with loneliness and i cant handle that. I feel like no one cares about this aspect of my life or how much it still affects me, i cant possible ask that of my friends to be sympathetic still bc it has been 2 years but for me that just means 2 years of my life without her and i really dont know how im not worse than i am. Maybe I'm just good at pretending like everything is fine, or being in denial about everything, i dont know. Maybe it'll get easier, maybe one day i wont feel so alone, hopefully that day will be soon.

words cannot describe this picture <3

You're somewhere out there

It's contagious

Despite all the negatives

I think the hardest thing in life is not knowing what you want.

Theres NOTHING there

"It'll all work out in the end, and if it doesn't then its NOT the end"

I've been too angry lately and I dont like it at all, I'm working on just letting things be and not really caring because lifes too short and complicated to be angry and hold grudges. I'd rather be happy instead of holding on to hate. It takes too much energy. I over think everythinggg but i think its time i dont let things bother me as much. shit happens, cant really do anything about it. I cant get mad over something not going my way or because I wouldn't do the same thing bc not everyone is as nice as I am, its just life.

I'm stupid, once again!

"Expectation vs. reality" curse hits again and leaves me on the floor once again, if i didnt have an 8am class tomorrow i'd go for a run right now, i really need to clear my head, even though i know what i should do... This is what i get for thinking things will be different. I wish i didnt let things get to me as much as i do, i need to work on that. I'm just very frustrated right now and really am i surprised?! I had a good day, one of the best, that should be evidence enough.