Don't make me fall for you unless you have every intention of catching me.

The best hugs I've ever been given,
The way you play fight with me,
The way you touch me,
The constant compliments that I awkwardly accept,
The alone food outings,
The charming behavior,
The sweet things you say,
The songs you send me that you played on guitar,
The way you can always make me feel better,
The random texts you send me,
The way you walk past everyone else and ask me to get coffee with you,
The comfort you provide for me,
The comfort you allow me to provide for you,
The way you opened up to me,
The fact that you creepily yet cutely stalk my fb,
The look you give me when you're being funny,
The way you lean over me to work on my computer,
The attention you always give me,
The reasons I had no say in falling for you.


The unanswered texts,
The fact that I still don't know how you feel about me,
The many girls you have as friends,
The fear that I'm just one of many,
The other priorities you have in you're life,
The reasons why you're crushing me.

I try

Buddies

self Sabotage.

ahhh you looked really cute today, like really cute, I couldn't stop staring at you... What am I doing?!

Lab boy

bastards! hah

Sweetie.

"You don't gotta say that you like it...
I can tell by the look in your eyes...
Won't you give it a try....
you'll be mine!"

Meet me in Montauk.

Lifeline

Very deep down.

What's the point anymore.

I just realized it is about exactly 1 year ago when Mr. feez told me about your feelings for me... what makes me think it's different this time around?

I think the thing I keep struggling with the most is the fact that I wouldn't mind doing all this bullshit if you were worth it in the end... but you're not even nice anymore, I can't remember the last time you did something cute. It's not okay and I'm not wasting my summer like I did last year.

Happy Mothers Day.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now...

...What would you wish for if you had one chance"

I want you I want you I want you I want you!

Juicy couture

hmm birthday gift? I wanted a new camera but I'd rather this and wait til my old one dies. It's so pretty I want it! This just screams summer with a sundress and flip flops. Its pre-order til 5/15 though, but it's worth the wait haha

I want her hair and the saying is too true for me.

The only person you can judge is yourself.

boys boys boys haha

hmm these past few days have been an interesting turn of events in the aspect of guys. I'm gonna list them because its too funny not to.

First pj, he will not let me not be friends with him, I will never understand this other than the fact that he likes keeping me around for some reason when with anyone else he doesnt care about, whats up with that?! why put in all the effort to keep me around? I hate my weakness for him and how I'm not strong enough to walk away from him, so I figured I'd let him be the one to walk away, I was a straight up bitch and cursed him out and told him we shouldnt be friends (again) and (again) he pulled his pj charms and I know I can't resist that. We'll see, I mean I'm in the state of mind where I just dont give a fuck anymore haha so whatever happens happens. If he ever gets the balls enough to kiss me then I wont object but I dont expect anything from him anymore.

Nick, was a nice surprise, I thought he was so obnoxious in class, that'll teach me to judge before knowing anyone. He's the sweetest kid. So flirty and did I mention hot?! myyy godddd

Dan O, ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug and in that moment I knew the old dan was back, melody told me how he said he was over everything and wanted to be friends again and the whole night he was my best friend again. It was so nice to have him back, I didnt realize how much I really missed him until then.

Alan, was so fun and freaking adorable. Everything he did was just sweet and made me feel like how a guy should make a girl feel, even today hes making all the efforts, I dont have to do anything haha I love it. It was much needed. Plus hes the same character as salah, so of course I couldnt resist.

Bo, he IMed me today and I will forever love that kid with all my heart. He made my day. Again I didnt realize how much I missed him until talking to him. I'm so glad he doesnt hold grudges because of other people, that makes me love and respect him even more, unlike some other people who were mutual friends.

whoa.

Passionate.

so so messy.

"I'll be waiting by the phone."--- WHAT THE FUCK?!

Luda Service Announcement

"You hear what I'm sayin'?
People to picky these days... DAMN IT!
Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny,
Have a couple of drinks and quit discriminating, "



I heard this and fell in love! haha So true people (myself included) are too picky, look at the person right in front of you.

It amazes me how fast I fell for you, hopefully the feelings are mutual, I think I deserve that by now.

Haha I google everythinggg

No strings?

La Ilusion

HALFWAY!

“The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway”

— Henry Boye

Books are the greatest friends.

I wish I had more time to read. I saw a commercial for maximum ride and my mom bought me that book years ago and I loved it, its so gay but I found out theres 6 books, I only read 3, gotta get on that lol

Spring forward

Spring is here, so bust out the flip flops, the tanks and show a little skin. Our bodies have been hiding under layers of clothes and now it's time to take it off. Take a walk, wash your car, do things outside, our skin craves some vitamin K. It's the time to show off cute styles of dresses/skirts/shorts. Bright colors are also very spring. Painted toes and cute hand bags. Spring brings sunshine which brings happiness and love. The warmth brings new positive attitudes that will only brighten with each day. So take a step forward into the new season and never ever look back.

It still amazes me...

How much I subconsciously stopped doing things I use to love because they remind me of my mom.

Watching t.v shows is one of the main ones... I couldn't watch greys for a year, and today was the ghost whisperer, it was another one of "our" shows. I didn't realize that I just stopped watching it until I watched an episode today and realized how much it reminds me of the time we would watch it, on a friday night, jeez I was such a dork... Thank god, I appreciate that time now.

Pharmily

"At the end of the day, you either focus on what breaks you or what holds you together"

Today was actually pretty hectic, another day in my life haha. I have a lot of things to stress out about, and even though my face definitely shows my stress ( I hate it! I wash my face everyday I don't understand), I still had a lot of fun today and that was because I was with people who make me extremely happy, even if we are all like 12 year olds hysterically laughing in the library, not getting that much work done. So many funny things happened. It still amazes me how close I got to these people, I didn't think I was going to have that opportunity again in college, I figured I got my chance already, but I got a second chance, with really good hearted people, I am really going to miss them all when we graduate. I wish there was more time to have fun instead of just studying, but what can you do.

Picture perfect sundays

To better, less stressed days!

Slow Awkward Turtle!

The hardest thing to accept.

Not our finest hour.

MY problem is, I expect the best out of people, for them to live up to their potential as a good friend/person.

EVERYONE else's problem is, they immediately think the worst of me, even though I think I've proven myself multiple times in being a genuinely good person.


This applies to a lot of people who I know/known, and to be honest its a bit ridiculous. People make mistakes, stop holding it against me, stop believing other people, stop making assumptions, just stop! Base your opinions of me off the way I treat you as a whole. So one night I overreacted a little, get over it. I would do the same for you. Even if I get frustrated at first I always believe the good in people.

Believe the good in me.

Alive while dreaming.

Butterflies to the max!

People change.

I've heard that statement a lot. I've witnessed it. I've even went through it myself. Everything changes. Surroundings change. Nothing remains the same. We'd like to think that the goodness of people wont change as everything else seems to. However, most of the time this does not seem to happen. And thats the worst kind of change someone can do, change what you liked about them, almost deceiving you because you still believe they are the person you once knew, the person you know they can be. Memories make you remember who they were and hope they still are. You miss them, but they are no longer the same person.

I all the time miss who people use to be. I remember what they use to do, their kindness, funnyness, the small things. Now it's like a complete stranger. But I still hope that they are there somewhere deep inside. Which is just a recipe for disappointment.

Today it popped into my head (for some unknown reason) the time when pj bought me sugar-free red bulls despite the fact that they are too "girly" for him to buy just bc he knew I liked them. Where did this boy, who I use to know fairly well, who was actually a nice decent guy, go? where did dan O, this guy who use to call me all the time just to talk, one of my best friends, who I could always depend on to talk, go? I can say the same for a lot of other people too.

People change right?!

Thats not a good enough excuse.

Can't buy me love.

No matter what the Beatles will forever remind me of my mom singing in the car to can't buy me love. The best memory. She use to sing a lot of Beatles songs to me, they were her favorite and now whenever I hear their songs I instantly smile, even if it's followed by tears.

Crazy Beautiful

I think its about time.

The Art of Work

I want to paint again. It's a really nice outlet and I use to be ok (not great but not terrible). I miss doing things I use to love. See thats the thing about growing up, we get too wrapped up in life that we never have time to appreciate things that once made us happy. I have so much ambition in me, I wish I had the time and energy to execute it.

This is the start of something new, don't you agree

Today I talked to the cute boy in lab (I asked to use his ID to get into a room that I still don't have access to and his name is mike but I will still refer to him as cute boy since we didn't officially exchange names) But I also found out that he's extremely nice and funny and obviously smart, I guess I just mean I can potentially like him, and that's very exciting, we actually talked today, granted it wasn't that much but it's a nice start, with time it will become more comfortable. And then who knows :)

I always say I'm too nice, but its who I am and I wouldn't want to change it

Warm nights

"I want to feel the moist grass against my skin as I lay down next to you holding my hand, staring up at the stars and just laying there for a while appreciating the beauty of nature."

I took out the garbage today and it was so nice out, I stood there for a while just staring up at the stars, its really peaceful. I love getting lost in thought about how that little specks are really huge and how we're so small in the universe. I would love to just lay on the grass and just be for a while, and of course to have someone cool next to me. I realized I didn't fully appreciate last summer and all its warmth, maybe because it was raining more than it was sunny but this summer is going to be different, I can feel it.

Peace & happiness

Fate?

"And maybe, just maybe, we're meant to be somewhere at the exact right time for something magical to happen"

Love.

Best motivation before a test EVER. haha

"Well youre a bit of a nerd so I'm sure you'll do great haha I'm jkkkkk but you're smart so you knowwww"
-Melody Seiso

one soul.

Busy days

clear head

Overload

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

Growing up.

"I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose... there are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."

50/50

I thought this was really adorable...
I'll let you sit on me if you let me sit on you.

Hey sunshine

Bring on the waves

What the fuck happened tonight?!?

Today was one of the most scariest and most alone moments of my life.

But lets start from the beginning....
It was all really hectic. I have so much to do, studying and lab stuff. In lab I was rushing around trying to get things done so I could get out at a decent time but that still didnt happen. By the time I got out it was 8. I was rushing to get home, rushing to get ready, driving like a mad woman trying to make it for the 940 train. I was convinced I was going to miss it and I wouldve felt horrible! bc the next train was at 1040. I kept blaming myself, only if I got ready faster. I didn't even eat dinner because I wanted to make the train. The thing is I really have so much work to do (my pharm test is on wed! and I NEED to ace it!) and I dont have that much money so I wasnt so excited to go to the city no less, but it was for my friends birthday and I wanted to go for her. I even opted to go into the city by myself even though that really does terrify me. I couldve easily said sorry I have research, but I couldnt do that to her. So I sucked it up and went in by myself. I really do not know the city at all, and that is scary. I always said that if I was put in the situation I would figure it out... today I proved myself wrong. I was trying to be brave and just go for it, well I took the wrong subway somehow and ended up way passed where I wanted to be, so no big deal I would just go back on in the other direction. Well there was no overpass and so I went outside, which was a big mistake bc there were no other entrances at all! I was walking around in circles, in heels, with snow. Not a good combo. Especially for the coordinately challenged. I'm looking on my phone trying to find a way back to west 4th, I decided to walk it because what else was I going to do. Had about 10 people talk to me (ask me things, make rude comments, etc.) While I'm trying to text james and kerri ann (bc I didnt want to bother nelly) but I was really starting to freak out. Neither helped and the panic in me rose as I thought I'm seriously going to get raped in one of these back allies. I was on the verge of tears, and was 2 seconds away from calling my dad, even though he would flipppp outttt if he knew i was in the city alone, lost! which made me freak out more, i just needed to talk to someone, anyone. Kerri ann kept saying grab a cab, but i knew that would be expensive and all cabs seemed full. I'm not good with waving them down. Finally one stopped and i got in and he said oh btw its 20 dollars is that okay? As soon as he said that I started balling. I legit had a mental break down in the back of this guys cab. He kept saying to me don't cry don't cry (I think I freaked him out) and he was grabbing my hand and asking me why are you crying? I had no idea why I was crying so much in front of this guy, a stranger, when I never cry in front of ANYONE! I was trying to explain but I couldnt talk, I can never talk once I get going like that, I could barely breathe. He even made me sit in front with him and then he was giving me tissues and trying to make me stop crying. He was really nice but kind of creepy at the same time. Which of course only made things worse, here was a complete stranger being more comforting than anyone has been to me in months. He only charged me 10 dollars for the ride. But I was still so angry bc it was 10 dollars to go back to where I started from. Then I cant find my way in penn station,while I'm trying to pull myself together, I just cant win. Then I'm told we are going home. AWESOME! I just spent so much money going NOWHERE! I was really upset, with just everything and how I was being treated, like I didnt matter. I was still trying to hold it together, I listened to music to calm me bc i knew i would only get more and more upset if I let my thoughts be heard. I yet again had to pay more money for a train ticket home. I didnt want to think about how much i spent to ride on a train, get lost and be scared to death, then break down in a cab.... 40 dollars btw. It's bullshit! I only had $50 and my gas light is on, fantastic! Then I get told I'm going home, so this night was a waste, of money, of energy, of everything. I cried hysterically the whole way home, almost got into an accident and wondered if anyone would really care if I did. Until melody called me and I just absolutely love her! At least she knows how to attempt to make me feel better.

Tonight was just really disheartening and make me feel like shit, and it was just unnecessary.

Picking seashells in the summer

The one looks like its protecting the other one. It's kind of symbolic and makes me smile. Picking seashells on the beach is my favorite thing to do in the summer, I haven't done it in a while, probably because I lost my seashell picking partner but that shouldn't stop me from doing the things I love, I should embrace them, in her memory<3

Self-confidence

Keep your head up

"When a drop of water falls on some people, they look down so they don’t get more wet. When it falls on other people, they look up to see where it is coming from. If you look up to see what might hit you in the face, you can usually avoid it. If you just cover your head and don’t find out what really is falling on you, it will just keep raining on you."

Fashion isn't just about clothes

I actually really like this bag, from juicy. It reminds me of spring and warmer weather, especially with all this snow lately. It's not too expensive ($148) and its fun.

Also, I will always love juicy and no not because I'm superficial (although I do know some people who would disagree) its because when I first discovered labels and fashion, it was in the Walt whitman mall, in bloomingdales, I remember like it was yesterday, back when it was me my mom and my dad against the world, when we'd go shopping together. I get my shopping addiction from my mom, she always went to the mall during her lunch breaks (at least I'm not that bad haha) and my dad loved to please her so he would tag along when we would go and put in his input, he has a good sense of fashion for an old guy haha. Well it was then that my dad went do you want to look at juicy stuff, and I had no idea what he was talking about, but the moment I saw the displays I was in love, now I probably wouldn't wear a track suit if my life depended on it but i was young and it was sparkly and fun. My dad bought me my first outfit then, and ever since I fell in love with fashion and labels.

I have a lot of clothes, most say too many, but its an accumulation of my life, each piece of clothing has a story behind it, where I bought it, where I wore it to, who I was with, what happened in it. I love my huge closet, in a way it reminds me how much I am like my mom and what me and my dad bonded over (he really is like a gay man) but most of all, beyond anything else, fashion & clothes always makes me happy. I am a firm believer in if you look good then you feel good. Picking out outfits is the highlight of my days sometimes. It is a good addiction.

Stop there and let me correct it....

Hmm I know I always said I was gonna look at life from a new perspective and considering how far I've come from last year I think I have, but I want to try differently again. Even if they are just small changes, I need to make them... for instance moving on once and for all from my past, it is clear now that it will only be just distant memories and I should make my mark now in the present day. I also want to travel somewhere new, when I get a free chance, I am determined even if it is just a solo trip or a trip to visit my niece and nephew, I miss them incredibly. I am glad I am starting something new with the research lab, not just for experience but to meet new people, even though being new terrifies me and I can be a bit shy and awkward, it will soon pass and I will make friends. And the main thing is I'm gonna change up my blog a bit, I seem to use it to only complain and yea it is a good outlet but I'm going to not complain (especially about a certain someone) and I'm going to try to be more well rounded. I seem to be in this little bubble that I'm desperately trying to break out of.

Reactions

"You can't control the outer circumstances of your life but you can control how you react to them. That makes you dominant over circumstances."

- Anonymous

For some reason this song makes me extremely happy

Disappointments

Life

Five years from now I am hoping that I will be in my last year of medical school. Maybe in a different state, I need a change of scenery. I will have a gorgeous, smart, very funny boyfriend who appreciates all of me. I will be thin, thinner than I am now. I will be happy.


I really want to be a doctor, not sure which one but that decision will come in time, however if other things come up I will do whatever life throws at me. Maybe I'll take the pharmacy test, I do love learning about drugs. Maybe I'll travel the world. Maybe I'll open a bakery or restaurant sometime in the future. I really want that last one to be accomplished during some point in my life.

Survival Rule #1:

Don't get overwhelmed, the moment you do it's all over.

Rule #2:

Don't spend time worrying about little things (people) that don't matter.

Patience is a virtue

"Winters are hard because you can’t wait for summer when the days are longer. But everyday it gets lighter for two or three minutes longer, and thought you don’t notice a change, over time it adds up. I tell myself it is that way with everything. You don’t fall in love in an instance, you fall in little ways and over time love grows. You don’t become a whiz at Excel in a day, you use it everyday for work and over time you learn all the shortcuts. You don’t wake up and have a beautiful wardrobe, you build your personal collection piece by piece, over time."

And the list goes on, all good things come with time.

Who appreciates my tendencies to act insane sometimes

Almost famous

Which are you?

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

"Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now"

Light in your eyes

"Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down, friends will talk about you when you're not around, reality can really cut you down to size, but don't ever lose the light in your eyes. People make you promises they'll never keep, soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap, life resembles one big compromise but don't ever lose the light in your eyes"

It takes a while, but in the end it will be ok

"To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

slowly killing you

"There are three types of people in this world: the ones who keep you alive, the ones who would otherwise cause you to die, and the ones who somehow manage to do both at the same time."

Ever-growing