Frustrated with life right now.

It's not really christmas without you

Christmas is tomorrow, it doesn't feel like it nor am I excited....

boys.

mhmm

yep yep

life.

I was only human, but you acted like a fool.

Somebody does something stupid, that's human. They don't stop when they see it's wrong, that's a fool.

very important

"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that's important" -Marilyn Monroe

I honestly dont even know why I care.

Ok here it goes, confession time, I wish I could say this out loud but I'm afraid I will be judged and bring up bad times that I dont want to be repeated. But I just need to let it out, it all started off with a dream, well not really but anyways I had a very livid dream last night and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. The thing is it felt real, but in a way it already happened. Ok well it was about pj and me being mad at him [again] and him trying to change my mind and apologize [again]. So many things wrong with that dream. One I hate that its about him because honestly its getting old. I want to be indifferent to him. However, I feel bad, no matter how ludicrous that sounds (I think its just the type of person I am, maybe just maybe I miss him?) I dont know but more on that later...

um ok so yeah the dream was fucked up because it was exactly like in august when he apologized and all that wonderful crap. I just hate that it's the same situation again, like its getting old, I dont want to seem like I'm so mad at him because truth be told I'm really not, I could care less if he come or not, I just dont want to seem like I'm not inviting him on purpose to hurt him. Yea I don't want to invite him for the obvious reasons of what he said about me and seeming like I desperately want him to come but I really dont care if hes there, I mean we have mutual friends, I feel like a brat by saying no u cant come. I would rather it be like an open invitation without me inviting him personally. I mean when you really think about it, I said a lot of hateful things about him also, things that he wasnt meant to see or hear, is it the same situation? I called him an asshole so many times and if anyone else saw it they would think I hated him but I didnt. Just like with what he said but I could just be making excuses. I think I just miss having him as a friend, because despite everything we became pretty good friends, and it was nice, I enjoyed having him as a friend, we talked a lot and that was different for me with any other guy really, we got along really well. I was past the whole I want us to be more than friends, because I knew that would never happen. I have these conflicting thoughts (that I know I shouldnt even be thinking about but my mind never turns off) that he only hung around for jess, which helps me dislike him more and makes it easier to be a bitch, but he hung out lots of times after that, but on the other hand I could feel that it was somewhat different, I dont know.

Also, I felt bad that I didnt say happy birthday, and I really for the life of me dont know why, I felt like a bitch and yea he does deserve it but I dont like sinking low to other peoples standards, I feel bad enough to say now whoa sorry I missed your birthday, but on the other hand, he didnt invited me to do anything for his birthday, granted he didnt tell anyone else but I dont know that for a fact. If he told me to come hang out for his birthday I wouldve said happy birthday (even though there was no way I would go celebrate). I feel like such a train wreck because even writing it all down is making me think I'm crazy. I dont know how to explain how I feel. I dont like him I know that for a fact, I dont want the bullshit that he brings with him. I dont want to feel petty, and I feel petty, like I'm not including him as a way to get back at him for not trying hard enough to be my friend, when hes a guy and I dont get mad at how I dont talk to joe or eric but I still consider them my friends. Maybe because we had a closer relationship, and I miss having a guy I can talk to the way I talked to him, like nelly has all these different guys she can go to for advice and I really dont, not anymore, and thats what sucks the most. I use to have a lot of people I could talk to or just hang out with and now I cant even name 5 people, its sad and pathetic, and it makes me feel sorry for myself which isnt cool at all. It makes me feel like a brat because I use to have a lot of friends and now I dont have as many as I use to but its still a fair amount and I love them to death. I really just dont know what I want and thats whats the most frustrating thing of all. I dont think I want to give him a third [wow] chance again even if he did show some sign of wanting to be friends. But then again I'm wanting him to do all this work and meanwhile I'm not willing to do anything, I will not text him but I wouldnt mind if he texted me? but then again he should....

SEE inner torment, I keep going back and forth. I dont mind him not being around by any means, I truly think I'm remembering the good times we had when I considered him a good friend when I could be able to go to his house and watch the yankee game with his mom and sister and it not be awkward. I keep thinking of all the times we hung out and it was nice. But I'm also forgetting why I'm not bothering with him anymore. I don't even think I would call him an asshole but he did some fucked up things, and hes too selfish, thats the main thing. ughh I dont even know, I just dont want to be labeled a bitch, because I know eric and phill are going to wonder where he is and then say oh wow this again. But do I honestly care what they think about that situation, because they dont know what happened....

Anyways, this is getting lengthy and I thought maybe by writing it out I would come to some brilliant conclusion but alas no, I'm just majorly conflicted and I wish I knew what to do. I know I should just forget about it and not worry so god damn much about if I hurt someones feelings when no one seems to care about mine, but thats not the type of person I am, I dont believe in this how-you-treat-me-I'm-gonna-treat-you-right-back-the-same-way thing, I'd rather kill people with kindness hah. I don't know... see train wreck.

why am I not worth fighting for?

What hurts more than losing you, is to know that you're not fighting to keep me

- Anon (post secret)

Better sounds good

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

I'm blasting my music, so I won't hear my thoughts.

"You can run just as fast as you want to but you're stuck with yourself all the time, I can run as fast as I want to but I'm stuck inside my mind."

Am I?

"Stop waiting for Mr. Perfect, just have fun."

-Dan O'shea

I dont think I'm capable of just having fun, I dont know how to do that...

Its all in my head right?

I've seriously been crying way too much lately, I don't know what is wrong with me, maybe the stress is getting to me, maybe I just need someone to talk to.... I really could use a friend right now.... but surprise surprise I'm all alone.

I'm trying so hard not to be depressed right now and I'm afraid its a losing battle...

Does anyone care?!

hjrgjldks;podjpoergjkdfnirghhsdlkflskdhlseoerighlkksfove'oirhgl

hreglahf'lgkhgoijerg!!!!!!

I'm seriously gonna have a nervous breakdown...

FUCK THIS!

New years Resolution:

-Be happy with yourself

-Work out (get in shape)

-Be more open minded.

-Give people a chance (boys/friends)

-Don't hold grudges, its bad for the soul.

-Accept things for how they are, know that things happen for a reason.

-Appreciate the people in your life now.

-Put the past behind you.

-Focus on the future.

-Try not to worry so much,stress shows on your face.

-Be more laid back (not uptight)

-Have fun, pure laugh-until-you-cry fun.

-Surround yourself with positive & fun people.

-Learn something new.

-Learn something about someone else, be selfless.

-Be a good friend, even if you don't feel like people are good friends back, its always better to be the bigger person.

-Love, don't be afraid to embrace it to fall head over heals.

-Let people in, push those who don't matter out.

-Make your own decisions because the advice you take is from people who don't have to deal with the consequences.

-No regrets, remember it made you happy once.

-Do whatever you want, even if it seems stupid.

-And Remember you only live once so go ahead make an ass out of yourself, as long as you go down laughing.

my xmas list

Dear Santa,

I just want the prospect of a new crush, someone who has potential, who I want to get to know. Please santa, I just want the butterflies again.

Love,

Lauren

I think what I hate most in the world is feeling sorry for myself... thats NOT me!

mommy

I feel alone.

I think we all just want someone to ask us if we're okay. To know that someone, anyone in the world cares about us, that we matter to someone, that we are important, that someone wants to make us feel better, that someone is happy to see us, that we are missed, that we're not alone, because the most horrible thing in the world is feeling that we are alone, and more horrible than that is it being true.

I think we all take things way too personally... but if it hurts us then doesn't it become personal?!

"It hurts when you can't have what you want,
But it hurts even more when you don't know what you want"

The holiday

" Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you. "

"In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend. "

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

sad reality

Love shouldnt be hard work.

life happened.

This chick haunts my life but cant deny her lyrics sometimes

mmm Dr. Malave I like the sound of that

ummm HI

Sometimes I feel like an asshole and unappreciated....

Time doesn't heal all wounds

No one really knows how sad I really am... most of all me.

i trick myselfs sometimes into thinking I'm this happy person that I present to everyone else.

Today Kathleen said how she hasnt known anyone close to her who has died, she still has both grandparents... I thought whoa lucky you. It was an open invitation for me to say something and i'm usually ok with sharing the unfortunate events in my life but I clammed up. I actually was trying all of my strength to keep from breaking down right there at work in front of someone I barely knew. Maybe thats why I couldnt just say it, but i dont know. I felt a gapping whole in my chest, my stomach dropped to the floor, my throat closed tight, and I was barely able to breath... this is what happens when I miss my mom, which is every moment of my life. Yea its suppressed when I'm distracted but its still there. It never really goes away. This happens anytime my dad mentions my mom, my throat closes so tight that I cant talk and my feet make their way to the door, I cant talk to him, i'll break down and I need to keep my composure bc if I let go for even a second I'm engulf with this feeling of emptiness and helplessness. I especially dont want my dad to see that bc i know he'll respond the same way. Its too much to even say her name around him without me tearing up. I cant handle him being as depressed as I am, I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone, and i know its harder for him. And thats what kills me the most, I wish I could do something to ease his pain, but the problem is i'm trying to ease my pain as well. I've been home more and talking to her more, out loud like shes right next to me, I feel like shes right next to me, and it makes it harder and comforting at the same time. Dreams are the same way. I guess shes been on my mind a lot lately. its become a ritual where when I pull up to my house I stare at it, it looks so normal, the way my life use to be, its nice to pretend for that split second, and then i remember and collapse into this familiar state and wait until the wave of sadness passes or until I pull myself together and go inside.

I know I'm not that depressed, I am a happy person, or I try to be, I know my mom wouldnt want me to be so torn up about losing her, but I think i compensate for feeling so sad inside by projecting my happy self outside.

umm best reason to go to jail =)

It's 108 degrees over here <3

Always remember

Should NOT be like this

strong face

"I dont know how to live in a world where you don't belong"
"Yea that never really goes away"

Every thing I do in life I do with extreme passion

What we all live for

Scared

I could've loved you forever, if you let me....

Ew 9's are ugly to write...

Who knew this saying at the beginning of the year with ppl who are not in my life anymore would pretty much sum up the year 2009. It was ugly to be frank, I was ugly, my so called "best friends" turned out to be ugly, the people who said this saying are no longer in my life. Needless to say I am glad 2009 is over. We ended on a good note though, but it just needs to be over. I always feel like a new year is a fresh start. I don't totally hate 2009, I learned a lot from it, a lot was unnecessary crap but it needed to happen in order for me to be where I am right now and to have the goals that I have. My goals are tough and I am determined to succeed and I feel like I will get closer to my goals in 2010. I need to put this past year behind me and move on with my life. It was just one year in my huge life, it will not matter 5 years from now, it will only be looked back upon as the turning point in my life, where I actually decided what was important and turned away from everything (everyone) that was not. I am actually okay with everything that happened, I accept it and am content with it, it sucks but so does everything else in life, I wished things turned out differently but I would not be in the same mind set as I am right now.
Goodbye 2009 you were a great learning lesson for me, hopefully 2010 will be much more happier and successful, and hopefully the people I bring in the new year with will be around for 2011 and I have have no doubt that that is true. I should've realized how drama-filled 2009 would be by the way it was on new years eve, that was a wild day. I like fun but no drama. 2010 here I come...


oh and 10's are so much prettier to write haha

life is only as good as you make it

I wish we could be young kids again, their outlook on life is one to be marveled at. Getting older is when everyone feels sorry for themselves. The most inspiring place is the pediatric oncology department, seriously these kids have the best attitudes, they do NOT feel sorry for themselves, and here they are with the most unlucky situation in life, it is not fair and they dont hate the world for it (for the most part). Getting older we complain too much about useless things, life is only as good as you make it, if youre gonna feel sorry for yourself and hate your life then yes your life will suck bc you dont want to be in it, and life is the one thing that you have to put all your energy into doing, you have to go head first into situations in order to really LIVE, that is what life is about, really living. Even when things in your life seem to not be fair, its really your attitude that gets you through it, only if you want it to. So want it to, because its not worth being miserable everyday. So you dont have a boyfriend or someone who loves you... you have to love yourself first, if you can stand being alone with yourself then you can stand to be with someone else to, your heart has to be in it for the first reasons, and there are more ppl than you know who depend on you and who think youre amazing and who love you, actually love you for all the right reasons. The right boy will come, someone who loves everything about you and cant get enough, the way everyone deserves to be loved. It will happen, just dont ever give up, if you put 100% in everything you do, you will eventually get 100% back, just stick through it.

parting ways

I just want everyone to stop blaming me for not being friends with them! I know it seems like jess can do no wrong but she has a lot of faults and was the main reason why we stopped being friends. I still wanted to work things out and up until recently i still did, shes the one whos being immature and is just stupid. It shows how much she valued our friendship, and I'm not the first or second "best friend" shes thrown away, its just HER! Not me! Yes I had a part in it but it wasnt all me. Theres not reason for her to be mad at me and not want to be my friend, thats what annoys me the most its all BULLSHIT! I feel like everyone blames me, but honestly she was a shitty friend and her reaction to the whole stupid non-sense situation is proof enough. I can't STAND that people blame me for it, I dont blame myself so what gives you ANY right to blame me when you dont even know the full situation?!? I am content with the way things are, just let me move on. I looked at my old IMs from around that time period of june 6th party and I really understood where I was coming from. I was pissed from the week before and not just bc of the whole "we like her" thing but just the way she reacted to it was just weird and hurt my feelings and she knew that. And then all the other shit she pulled at the party, I know I yelled at her to stop but thats all I said... "You need to stop" I dont think that was a lot to ask of my best friend to stop hurting my feeligns, when she knew damn well because I told her a few days before. She just seems heartless.. and oh the "I PROMISE i'll respond" oh really u do now? well your a fucking liar and dont deserve my friendship. I am a good person and I hate that you and everyone else make me feel like shit STILL! months later.... I could really care less about being her friend again, I KNOW I am much better off, bc she brought my down, shes a miserable person and she brought me with her, I hate when ppl talk shit about their "best friend" behind their back and i became that person bc of jess always complaining about maria, and i know i was miserable with being friends with maria so yes i am a lot happier now, just annoyed as to why they dont want to be friends anymore, but whatever, its unfortunate and I have to forget about it, bc the truth is i have much better friends now then they ever were to me, i tried so hard to be friends with them and what was the point? so they could use me?! fuck that, and fuck them, i'm so done, its really to the point of it being funny. I'm perfectly content with my friends now, who are so amazing, and I really dont want anything to do with them.

back to life

So I havent wrote in a while, I've been crazy busy, but in a good way. I think I've become more myself again. I went through my "rebellious" phase, not so much bad but more I dont give a fuck about anything or anyone else but my own happiness.That's selfish and immature. Yeah it was right after my mom got sick and passed away and thats fine, It was my way of dealing but I'm glad its over. I was never truly satisfied. Looking back I did have a lot of things I shouldve been happy for but for some reason I wasnt. I was always complaining about something and I never use to be like that. I really think it was the people I surrounded myself with. They were bad influences, not so much in the sense of drugs and alcohol, but with the type of person I was becoming. I didnt care enough about school, and I was really just a brat and was miserable. I do not regret any of the choices I made because looking back I had fun, but I regret not appreciating things for the way they were, I always wanted more, I was never completely satisfied. Now I'm becoming more like my old self who was laid back, and looked at things positively. I try not to let stupid things bother me, because its wasted energy, I have too much on my plate with school. I think school was the best thing for me this semester, it kept me busy and forced me to make the decisions that I was too weak to make myself. I wanted to make them I just needed the extra push. And really it was my decision to try my best in school, if I didnt want to then I could choose not to, but I am more than dedicated. That's exactly how I was before my life got complicated. I may not do as well as I would like but I'm trying so hard and I'm doing better than expected (if that makes sense). But its such a difference from last year. I would always complain about doing bad in school but I never really did anything about it. Now I see how I can improve and I do it. I dont even miss going out, it doesnt phase me. There was a time when I would be completely miserable if I didnt go out on a friday or saturday or whenever. I wasn't happy with myself, with my life, I needed to escape so I looked to other people and parties and drinking. Thats not really the most healthy way to deal. I couldnt stand being home so I made myself scarce. Now I look at my house as being comforting, I cant wait to go home and lay in bed or the living room. I also have been talking to my dad a lot and that makes me very happy, I know it makes him happy too. I cant be selfish and I dont want to be. I know my dad felt like he lost both his wife and daughter, I couldnt stand talking to him, it was too hard, being reminded that my mom wasnt with us. I needed that time to heal, but now I can actually talk about her with him and not feel on the verge of a panic attack. I have big goals that I want to achieve and I want to do them, that really does comfort me. I want to do homework to get ahead. Some days are rougher than others but I'm doing good. I also havent drank in a while and I dont feel the need to. Also, I havent had a crush on someone in a while, a major crush that usual consumes me, pointless I should say. I think that has a major part in how i feel too. I don't need a guy to make me happy, yea it would be nice to share my life with someone, because it does get lonely but then I turn on the tv and live vicariously through characters who are much hotter and skinnier than I am haha Instead I'll wait, because I think of myself higher than I have before and I know one day a certain boy will appreciate all my quarks and fall for me the same way I fell for all the boys I've liked. Its refreshing not having to try to make someone like you, it shouldnt be like that. One guys opinion of me shouldnt affect my mood, or the way I perceive myself. I like who I am and if you don't then move on, someone will. I'll be here with the dreams on my mind and hope in my heart, I'll be here.

I desperately want to be different.

I want to be the kind of girl that you meet and immediately recognize I'm not like all the others, I'm fun, smart, dedicated, funny, crazy but in a good way, and just out there. I dont want to be compared to anyone, or to remind you of someone. I want to be me. I don't want to fit in, and do what everyone else is doing, I want to do me, I need to do me. I don't want to care what other people think.

I dont know why or where this came about, but for some reason I'm set on being different, standing out. Maybe I just want someone to notice me. I think I'm pretty unique (or mostly just crazy) but at the end of the day I like who I am, now I just want to find other people who like me too. I've been told I have good style and a strikingly contagious laugh, and I'm not afraid to be myself, to be loud and a little bit obnoxious, but I am afraid of being looked over.

"It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring"

WHERE IS THE LOVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?1?

Theres always something you dont like about your life, we're never fully satisfied!

"You cant change the tides but you can learn how to swim"

I really hope i can move on knowing that I tried everything that I could possible do, and it still didnt change anything. I mean thats a bit ridiculous but it is what it is. I'm trying this new thing where things dont bother me as much as they use to, I'll just brush it off because now its clear that you're not worth it. It was clear before but now it really is. I did a big gesture and u didnt even acknowlegde it, and its getting later and later, soon it really will be too late.

Haha I can be so dramatic sometimes

say this to me

"Ever since I laid my eyes on you,
There's been so much I've wanted to do,
Bring your body closer to mine..."

Its a fine line that determines if we're meant to be

"I of course will be sitting right across from you"

Its comforting how when you least expect it someone can say the exact thing that you needed to hear and its crazy how at other times someone else can be so clueless.

wishes dont come true.

I WISH ONE DAY YOU'LL TALK TO ME!
I WISH ONE DAY I'LL GET OVER THIS!
I WISH IT WAS AS EASY AS YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME SO WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT YOU?
I WISH IT DIDNT FEEL LIKE A PERSON STANDING ON MY CHEST AT THE MENTION OF YOUR NAME!
I WISH LIFE WAS DIFFERENT!
I WISH IT NEVER CHANGED!
I WISH YOU SAID THE THINGS I WANTED YOU TO SAY, THATS JUST ANOTHER REASON WHY WE'RE NEVER MEANT TO BE!
I WISH HE DIDNT MISS YOU BUT I CANT BLAME HIM, I JUST WISH HE DIDNT SAY IT TO ME.
I WISH I DIDNT SET MYSELF UP FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.
I WISH MY NEW LIFE IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FORGET ABOUT MY OLD LIFE.
I WISH I DIDNT FEEL CRAZY ALL THE TIME!
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT OR WANT YOU BACK THE NEXT SECOND!
I WISH I DIDNT FEEL SO ALONE!
I WISH I DIDNT FEEL GUILTY!
I WISH YOU DIDNT BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED!
I WISH U UNDERTAND THAT ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT!
I WISH I WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT TOO!
I WISH WISHES CAME TRUE!

My life

"For many of us, the old saying ‘time heals all wounds’ does not seem to apply. Maybe some days are better than others, but overall it seems that no matter what we do we are still so caught up in our feelings and emotions that we can’t move on."

Whats on my mind....

Ive been sad this week over my mom a lot, it keeps hitting me at the weirdest times with the weirdest things. Shopping at lord and taylor, it was the hardest thing and that was a weird experience. I use to go there with you it seems like every day, but we were a team that always shopped together. You're the reason I love to shop! I was looking at the clothes in a different sense than I use to bc im older now and of course bc i dont have u there to buy anything i wanted. That was the most different, bc you would always be so selfless and buy me anything and everything if u could. This time i looked at the price tags and went jeez no thanks, but i knew even if i said that u would still buy it for me. You always had ur coupons but still, i miss that loving gesture, i dont think i appreciated it as much as i shouldve. I really miss everything. The worst is thinking what would you be doing right now if you were still here, what would i be doing? I know id be happy with you being here, i always was. Now I look outward for my happiness hoping i can find it in someone like i had in you, and i always seem to be disappointed bc no one will ever love me with the devotedness that you did. It hurts so much to even think about me having to go on without you there. I look at nicole and how shes pregnant and her mom always commenting on her status and stuff and how they're best friends and I miss us, I'll never have that. I always said I would move next to u when i had a family bc i knew how much it killed u that darlene and them were so far away. I wanted to make it up to you, plus i couldnt do it alone, i need you. Idk what im gonna do when that time comes. I'm gonna be lost. I remember me and daddy found a blanket u made, idk who for, and i thought oh maybe give it to sophia and daddy goes no keep it for when u have a baby and i seriously did everything in my power to keep my composure bc it hit me that i wouldnt get a little outfit for my baby like u did for darlenes, i cant handle u not being around. Idk why these past few weeks ive been crying nonstop but i cant help but miss you terribly. I almost lost it in the diner today in front of my new friends who dont know that side of me to comfort me, when i saw a lady sitting at a table by herself eating and she looked like u for a second i though it was you but then it was this lonely lady who i couldnt help but cry for bc she seemed so alone. I know the feeling. I loved being with uncle charlie and aunt maria and aunt debbie they make me feel loved like a family should, im not use to that either. I'm use to just me and my dad and as much as i love him with all of my heart, its not the same and i know he feels the same way. he more keeps to him self, but i need to open up to ppl and distract myself and i need constant reminders that I am worth being loved. That i am worth being made dinner for. The thing that pisses me off more than anything is the fact that sarah and charlie dont appreciate aunt maria at all and sleeping over there one night and waking up to her cooking breakfast for us, made me appreciate her so much, bc thats something a mom does and thats somethign i will never know again, and they treat it like its nothing and shes just always going to be there, they dont even say thank you they just bitch and treat her like shit, and she continues to love them despite all of it bc thats what moms do, I think one of these days im gonna try talking to sarah about it but i know she'll never listen to me. It really bothers me tho. I had a dream last night that also really bothers me, I woke up so upset by it and it upset me more bc of the subject. It was very weird but basically i was in class and pj maria and jess were apparently in the same class and we walk outside and i hear them talking about me, and it was really mean and then pj walked away and left maria and jess going wow i feel bad for lauren, like i wasnt standing there, and i walk after pj regardless of what i know just happened then i turn around and hear jess and maria talking to my new friends about how stupid i act over him... it was all very sureal. Idk if its basically putting in a nutshell what happened or what. Maybe its just me trying to remind myself that pjs not a good person and i know this, ive experienced it, idk why i forgave him for doing what he did. I actually missed him today and that freaks me out bc why would i miss someone who only causes me pain?! i reallyyy dont get it. I dont understand why i think he makes me happy. I really thoguht i was over it, bc when he rsvp no to joes party i was like oh ok, i really didnt care at all and normally id be so lets face it miserable, but i wasnt. So idk why all of a sudden i want to talk to him. Maybe im just lonely in the liking someone aspect and im going towards the person i last liked? i know i even tried to talk to dan O and he hates me i swear, and it sucks but it is what it is. idk maybe i was just feeling weak today, hopefully tomorrow is better...ugh BUt why do i miss you?! I met ppl who actually appreciate me, and compliment me and i know i can find someone who wants me in every sense of the word, who likes being around me, when you clearly dont, well not as much as i would like u to. I know i can do better and yet i still keep going back to u and it kills me! I really want to know why u have such a hold on me, and its not like i dont try to disconnect u from my life, i dont talk to u and i delete ur number and i hate you! yet i keep going back to u, or u keep pulling me back to u i should say. i mean it all comes down to u liking the attention bc its true we do like to be around ppl who like us even if we dont like them back bc it boosts our ego, but its ridiculous, i wish i was more mature with the way i handle u, and i really wish i would stop fucking missing you! mb i miss feeling like shit all the time and the drama that u bring, idk i really dont. A part of me wants to stop any communication with u for good, and another part wants to forget my pride and just hang out, to actually be friends, to hang out and to be cool, i just have this suspicion that ur gonna somehow burn me again, and i cant be friends with u if i always have doubt. ughhh i wish u werent such a dick and i wish i would find someone else already to forget all about u, bc thats the reason why i cant fully move on bc i need to like someone else to get over it all! but i havent met anyone worth it yet, im hoping i do soon.

mommy

“'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

Jessica campo.. sorry was that too blunt? whatever your loss

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”

Is it that simple?

every day of your life ;-)

overthinking is my downfall

YESSSSSS hahah

sad reality

hahaha so true!

I'm very out there and I wouldnt have it any other way

I'm waiting

walking away is cowardly

I think the hardest thing is knowing that I would/could NEVER walk away from you and you made it look so easy. I don't deserve that even if I did ruin things. I put more blame on myself than I should've and you still are acting like a child, its bullshit it really is, and the sad thing is that i still would want to be friends with you, even though its CLEAR that u dont give a shit about what we had or care about me at all. Its all on you now, and it makes u look like a small classless person. I am very disappointed in myself for the way I acted but whats worse is I'm more disappointed in how youre acting now. I thought you were better than that.

Nelly<3

I'm a simple girl

the greatest times i have are in the park pretending im a little kid again, i miss it

hmmm

I love this quote

Its the perhaps part that scares me

1121 <3

This describes me so much

so true

New clothes do wonders on the soul

A big heart will forgive a closed heart will just walk away

be kind

I need a new "him"

my biggest fear

I do my own thing and dont really care what ppl think of me

My heart never left the beach that day, it remains with you

Darlene-"Aw Lauren your flower doesnt want to go into the ocean, its still holding on, it symbolic"
me (under my breath)- "I could never let go"

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held on to.

idk why u text me today, honestly why? do u really care? do u really want to be my friend?! I'm not use to that, someone actually fighting to be my friend, usually its me frighting to keep someone as my friend. honestly i dont understand why anyone would want to be my friend, but yeahh... I really dont get you, Even when i clearly know ur not interested i still get conflicted feelings from u. you said i could trust u 100% idk if i trust that, you could just be bullshitting me but why would u? Its not like u went out of ur way to contact maria or jess when u noticed they were missing, why did it bother u so much that i havent been talking to u? I dont get it. but the more i dont get it the more i keep holding on to something thats not there. Something i dont even want anymore. I just miss having a stable thing, I'm not use to being on my own i always had maria and jess when i was at school, now i have to do things by myself and it freaks me out a little but i like it, im just lonely. BUT I'm finding someone new and different and who actually appreciates me, bc lifes too short to hold on to nothing and to not feel liked back.

“To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed.”

99.9% of the time, its what i cant have