Bring on the waves

What the fuck happened tonight?!?

Today was one of the most scariest and most alone moments of my life.

But lets start from the beginning....
It was all really hectic. I have so much to do, studying and lab stuff. In lab I was rushing around trying to get things done so I could get out at a decent time but that still didnt happen. By the time I got out it was 8. I was rushing to get home, rushing to get ready, driving like a mad woman trying to make it for the 940 train. I was convinced I was going to miss it and I wouldve felt horrible! bc the next train was at 1040. I kept blaming myself, only if I got ready faster. I didn't even eat dinner because I wanted to make the train. The thing is I really have so much work to do (my pharm test is on wed! and I NEED to ace it!) and I dont have that much money so I wasnt so excited to go to the city no less, but it was for my friends birthday and I wanted to go for her. I even opted to go into the city by myself even though that really does terrify me. I couldve easily said sorry I have research, but I couldnt do that to her. So I sucked it up and went in by myself. I really do not know the city at all, and that is scary. I always said that if I was put in the situation I would figure it out... today I proved myself wrong. I was trying to be brave and just go for it, well I took the wrong subway somehow and ended up way passed where I wanted to be, so no big deal I would just go back on in the other direction. Well there was no overpass and so I went outside, which was a big mistake bc there were no other entrances at all! I was walking around in circles, in heels, with snow. Not a good combo. Especially for the coordinately challenged. I'm looking on my phone trying to find a way back to west 4th, I decided to walk it because what else was I going to do. Had about 10 people talk to me (ask me things, make rude comments, etc.) While I'm trying to text james and kerri ann (bc I didnt want to bother nelly) but I was really starting to freak out. Neither helped and the panic in me rose as I thought I'm seriously going to get raped in one of these back allies. I was on the verge of tears, and was 2 seconds away from calling my dad, even though he would flipppp outttt if he knew i was in the city alone, lost! which made me freak out more, i just needed to talk to someone, anyone. Kerri ann kept saying grab a cab, but i knew that would be expensive and all cabs seemed full. I'm not good with waving them down. Finally one stopped and i got in and he said oh btw its 20 dollars is that okay? As soon as he said that I started balling. I legit had a mental break down in the back of this guys cab. He kept saying to me don't cry don't cry (I think I freaked him out) and he was grabbing my hand and asking me why are you crying? I had no idea why I was crying so much in front of this guy, a stranger, when I never cry in front of ANYONE! I was trying to explain but I couldnt talk, I can never talk once I get going like that, I could barely breathe. He even made me sit in front with him and then he was giving me tissues and trying to make me stop crying. He was really nice but kind of creepy at the same time. Which of course only made things worse, here was a complete stranger being more comforting than anyone has been to me in months. He only charged me 10 dollars for the ride. But I was still so angry bc it was 10 dollars to go back to where I started from. Then I cant find my way in penn station,while I'm trying to pull myself together, I just cant win. Then I'm told we are going home. AWESOME! I just spent so much money going NOWHERE! I was really upset, with just everything and how I was being treated, like I didnt matter. I was still trying to hold it together, I listened to music to calm me bc i knew i would only get more and more upset if I let my thoughts be heard. I yet again had to pay more money for a train ticket home. I didnt want to think about how much i spent to ride on a train, get lost and be scared to death, then break down in a cab.... 40 dollars btw. It's bullshit! I only had $50 and my gas light is on, fantastic! Then I get told I'm going home, so this night was a waste, of money, of energy, of everything. I cried hysterically the whole way home, almost got into an accident and wondered if anyone would really care if I did. Until melody called me and I just absolutely love her! At least she knows how to attempt to make me feel better.

Tonight was just really disheartening and make me feel like shit, and it was just unnecessary.

Picking seashells in the summer

The one looks like its protecting the other one. It's kind of symbolic and makes me smile. Picking seashells on the beach is my favorite thing to do in the summer, I haven't done it in a while, probably because I lost my seashell picking partner but that shouldn't stop me from doing the things I love, I should embrace them, in her memory<3

Self-confidence

Keep your head up

"When a drop of water falls on some people, they look down so they don’t get more wet. When it falls on other people, they look up to see where it is coming from. If you look up to see what might hit you in the face, you can usually avoid it. If you just cover your head and don’t find out what really is falling on you, it will just keep raining on you."

Fashion isn't just about clothes

I actually really like this bag, from juicy. It reminds me of spring and warmer weather, especially with all this snow lately. It's not too expensive ($148) and its fun.

Also, I will always love juicy and no not because I'm superficial (although I do know some people who would disagree) its because when I first discovered labels and fashion, it was in the Walt whitman mall, in bloomingdales, I remember like it was yesterday, back when it was me my mom and my dad against the world, when we'd go shopping together. I get my shopping addiction from my mom, she always went to the mall during her lunch breaks (at least I'm not that bad haha) and my dad loved to please her so he would tag along when we would go and put in his input, he has a good sense of fashion for an old guy haha. Well it was then that my dad went do you want to look at juicy stuff, and I had no idea what he was talking about, but the moment I saw the displays I was in love, now I probably wouldn't wear a track suit if my life depended on it but i was young and it was sparkly and fun. My dad bought me my first outfit then, and ever since I fell in love with fashion and labels.

I have a lot of clothes, most say too many, but its an accumulation of my life, each piece of clothing has a story behind it, where I bought it, where I wore it to, who I was with, what happened in it. I love my huge closet, in a way it reminds me how much I am like my mom and what me and my dad bonded over (he really is like a gay man) but most of all, beyond anything else, fashion & clothes always makes me happy. I am a firm believer in if you look good then you feel good. Picking out outfits is the highlight of my days sometimes. It is a good addiction.

Stop there and let me correct it....

Hmm I know I always said I was gonna look at life from a new perspective and considering how far I've come from last year I think I have, but I want to try differently again. Even if they are just small changes, I need to make them... for instance moving on once and for all from my past, it is clear now that it will only be just distant memories and I should make my mark now in the present day. I also want to travel somewhere new, when I get a free chance, I am determined even if it is just a solo trip or a trip to visit my niece and nephew, I miss them incredibly. I am glad I am starting something new with the research lab, not just for experience but to meet new people, even though being new terrifies me and I can be a bit shy and awkward, it will soon pass and I will make friends. And the main thing is I'm gonna change up my blog a bit, I seem to use it to only complain and yea it is a good outlet but I'm going to not complain (especially about a certain someone) and I'm going to try to be more well rounded. I seem to be in this little bubble that I'm desperately trying to break out of.

Reactions

"You can't control the outer circumstances of your life but you can control how you react to them. That makes you dominant over circumstances."

- Anonymous

For some reason this song makes me extremely happy

Disappointments

Life

Five years from now I am hoping that I will be in my last year of medical school. Maybe in a different state, I need a change of scenery. I will have a gorgeous, smart, very funny boyfriend who appreciates all of me. I will be thin, thinner than I am now. I will be happy.


I really want to be a doctor, not sure which one but that decision will come in time, however if other things come up I will do whatever life throws at me. Maybe I'll take the pharmacy test, I do love learning about drugs. Maybe I'll travel the world. Maybe I'll open a bakery or restaurant sometime in the future. I really want that last one to be accomplished during some point in my life.

Survival Rule #1:

Don't get overwhelmed, the moment you do it's all over.

Rule #2:

Don't spend time worrying about little things (people) that don't matter.

Patience is a virtue

"Winters are hard because you can’t wait for summer when the days are longer. But everyday it gets lighter for two or three minutes longer, and thought you don’t notice a change, over time it adds up. I tell myself it is that way with everything. You don’t fall in love in an instance, you fall in little ways and over time love grows. You don’t become a whiz at Excel in a day, you use it everyday for work and over time you learn all the shortcuts. You don’t wake up and have a beautiful wardrobe, you build your personal collection piece by piece, over time."

And the list goes on, all good things come with time.

Who appreciates my tendencies to act insane sometimes

Almost famous

Which are you?

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

"Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now"

Light in your eyes

"Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down, friends will talk about you when you're not around, reality can really cut you down to size, but don't ever lose the light in your eyes. People make you promises they'll never keep, soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap, life resembles one big compromise but don't ever lose the light in your eyes"

It takes a while, but in the end it will be ok

"To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

slowly killing you

"There are three types of people in this world: the ones who keep you alive, the ones who would otherwise cause you to die, and the ones who somehow manage to do both at the same time."

Ever-growing

Don't think just be happy

funny...

Sweetness is the most dangerous thing about a person bc you can never tell if its real or just lies.

Drug.

"We need to hang out soon!"

Pretty much

Friendship

Total internal destruction

Law

Lifetime

Reasons to smile

Okay after writing what things depress me and the reasons why I'm so fucked up I'll write down the positives....

Yesterday I saw Pat, he most definitely made my day because he ran up to me and grabbed my attention just to say hi, it made me feel loved.

I worked out today, after missing yesterday trying to do that damn powerpoint (only damn bc it didnt work)

I had fun doing the powerpoint, and realized how many good times I've had and how much I suck at video-ing myself, I did get a nice laugh out of my bloopers though.

I made dinner the other night, my own recipe and it came out really good! It was healthy too. I love to cook.

It didn't upset me when I saw Maria on campus and she treated me the same way she treated other people she hated (by saying how much she missed me and we should hang out blah blah blah) Basically acting fake. I actually called her out on it and said "If you don't want to I don't care, just don't pretend like you do." She got uber pissed at that but it's the truth. People get pissed when they're called out on things. I'm just glad I stuck up for myself, bc in no way am I taking any more of her shit.

Melody has been awesome to me the past 2 weeks, I love her so much! And we picked out halo together, hes SO cute!

My aunt texted me today of how proud she was of me, and not only did it remind me of my mom but it made me think that I am doing something that is worth being proud of.

I've been cutting out a lot of fats in my diet and not eating past 7 at all. (I should make more rules towards better eating habbits)

Not eating a candy my PI gave to me today simple because I didn't want it.

Doing an experiment by myself today, which I actually chose to do because it was more efficient that way. I had confidence in myself.

And lastly putting up colorful post-it of structures I have to memorize by friday all over my walls, hopefully its an effective way of studying, it looks cool though.

Catch 22

I feel like I'm losing you. I'm trying really hard not to think about it but its consuming. I feel like you don't like me as much as you did before, or even at all. I use to be one of your favorite people and now I can't even make you smile. I guess that's what's most upsetting, caring for the other person more than they care for you. But its more upsetting when at one point it was mutual. I feel like this happens a lot with me and makes me feel like a terrible person who probably deserves to feel like this, but I would do anything for anyone and I try to show it but I think it just comes off wrong. Would I get half of anything in return? I guess it begs the question, does anyone really care about me?

"All I ever wanted was to make your day, but you couldn't care less"

or maybe it's

"I made my bed and now I gotta lie in it"

....But what did I do?!

I mean I must be an absolutely terrible person if my own best friend didn't want to be friends with me.

whoa.... that's really depressing.

Slum

What do you do when everything seems to be going wrong?

I can feel it I'm starting to get stressed

my nose is itching

I'm getting upset over the smallest things

and I'm being terrible to my dad

I need to destress!

Life just seems too out of my control lately, everythings been a mess and I've been patient because I know my hastiness is my ultimate downfall but sometimes I just need a quick fix, to feel like things are ok, even if it is just a lie.

That's how you know.

This is how you know. When despite everything, all the bullshit, all the crushed feelings, all the tears, all the bad times, you still want someone in your life. When despite everything, the good times, no matter how minimal, overrides the bad ones.

fight.

Living vicariously

All 3 are necessary!

Reasons why I blog

My real fairytale

Movies haven't gotten to me lately, Dear John not one shed of a tear, seeing love stories fail miserable or succeed in valentines day, nothing. But the 2 minute scene when Julia Roberts came home to hug her son, I balled like a baby. If only I could have that happy ending.

Something beautiful about imperfections

Only a dream.

I had the most INTENSE, HOT, PASSIONATE sex dream last night. The only words I said after I woke up was DAMN. haha It's weird because usually I don't have sex dreams at all. Maybe it's because it's something I've wanted for so long now. It NEEDS to happen, but of course it's only a dream.

Peace of mind

So for the past week I have been focusing on myself and how to improve both my self imagine and how I present myself. So far it's really been working for me. I am staying on top of my lectures rereading them the day of or the day after they were taught. I have also been working out every night, which I've come to realize is much needed. It is a good stress reliever and gives me more energy to stay up later to do homework. I know my weeks will change with the new research opportunity but I think I can still incorporate working out everyday into my schedule because for my own peace of mind I need to. Running allows me to think more clearly, everything makes sense when I run. And the one main thing I have learned to realize is that personally I tend to overlook the good in people and focus on the bad. For instance, if they do something that I don't like I tend to over react on that one thing and don't remember all the other really good things they have done in the past. Like myself, people are only human and if I can easily make mistakes so can they. I need to appreciate things for what they are and be happy with that. I tend to live in the past and want things to be the way they were but I should be happy they once happened and hope for something better to come along. This is one of the major things I need to work on and I'm determined to change it. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat them again.

Fearless

I MISS YOU!

Right now in this moment, I miss you so much its kind of overwhelming me... and all I want to do is tell you. I wish I could just tell you. WHERE ARE YOU?!

Take it or leave it.

I am a big contradiction, bratty, understanding, fragile, fearless, stubborn, sweet, harsh, loving, full of hate, simple, complex, stressed, at peace, I have my absolute worst moments and my absolute best. Take it or leave it.

=)

Disposable.

All I ever wanted was for you (anyone) to show that they care, its when you (they) don't when I get upset. Funny thing is I once said you were disposable while we were on the phone when you called me to cheer me up (yes I am fully aware of my bratty-ness) when you asked why I had no problem telling you off, it just came out, and I really meant it, I didnt even think about it, I immediately apologized because it sounded really harsh and you even said "ouch" it was pretty amusing but it is true, you really are disposable, or at least you can be. But the thing is as much as you can be disposed of and as much as I can go weeks/months without saying a word to you I always find ways to keep you in my life. I just don't want to dispose of you yet and that will always be a mystery to me. But I know now that I don't want to not be friends with you because despite everything you were a better friend when I needed you than most of my other friends. I know I can be overbearing but I'm working on it. Aren't we all just a big work in progress?!

I like the taking a bath one and Believing in yourself

Oh how sweet it is

The last time I was this determined to lose weight was about 2 years ago when I succeeded, and I plan on going way beyond that... so heres to achieving the sweetest revenge =)

At my own pace.

Seriously?!?

How did things get like this?

When did I become someone you didn't want to talk to?

To love and be loved.

The truth.

"If I had one gift that I could give you, my friend, it would be the ability to see yourself as others see you, because only then would you know how extremely special you are."
-B.A. Billingsly

For myself.

I'm being more conscious of my outer appearance in hopes that I will understand my inner self. I know weight has always been an issue for me, and I'm really determined to change it. I know I am self conscious of my thin hair so I'm gonna try to do something about it. I've been breaking out worse than I have in the past, so I'm going to take measures to avoid that. I am not doing this for anyone else! I am not doing this because I feel like these things are reasons why I don't have a boyfriend or ever had one or to throw it in anyones faces, although this would be a really nice bonus =) .... I am doing this solely for myself and for myself alone. I'm hoping these changes help me feel better. I need to love and appreciate myself inside and out before I expect anyone else to.

Unfixable Causes.

"I've learned a lot this past year.
I've learned that things don't always
turn out the way you planned it,
or the way you think they should.
And I've learned that there are things
that go wrong that don't always
get fixed or get put back together
the way they were before.
I've learned that some broken things
stay broken, and I've learned
that you can get through bad times
and keep looking for better ones,
as long as you have people who love you."

I couldn't have said this better if I wrote it myself.

Today priya dropped me off at my car which was really nice since I didn't have to take the bus, and just a few cars from mine was Jess' car. This was the first time I've seen it since we stopped talking, its crazy how I haven't even seen her since the beginning of summer. Then I thought why can't we just be friends?! why cant we just suck it up and be nice? It doesn't seem that hard, why does this feel like middle school?! Aren't we more mature than this?! What happened with us was just so dumb! but then I realized that she doesn't want to fix this and she wants to act immature, and that is her prerogative. Because some things that go wrong can't always get fixed (no matter how hard I tried to fix them) and that's just how life goes. A year ago that would've been either maria or jess dropping me off at my car, and this year its Priya who is the sweetest girl in the world and would never do anything to hurt anyone. It's friends like her that make me appreciate not being friends with people who caused me lots of stress in the past.