Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
What the fuck happened tonight?!?
Today was one of the most scariest and most alone moments of my life.
But lets start from the beginning....
It was all really hectic. I have so much to do, studying and lab stuff. In lab I was rushing around trying to get things done so I could get out at a decent time but that still didnt happen. By the time I got out it was 8. I was rushing to get home, rushing to get ready, driving like a mad woman trying to make it for the 940 train. I was convinced I was going to miss it and I wouldve felt horrible! bc the next train was at 1040. I kept blaming myself, only if I got ready faster. I didn't even eat dinner because I wanted to make the train. The thing is I really have so much work to do (my pharm test is on wed! and I NEED to ace it!) and I dont have that much money so I wasnt so excited to go to the city no less, but it was for my friends birthday and I wanted to go for her. I even opted to go into the city by myself even though that really does terrify me. I couldve easily said sorry I have research, but I couldnt do that to her. So I sucked it up and went in by myself. I really do not know the city at all, and that is scary. I always said that if I was put in the situation I would figure it out... today I proved myself wrong. I was trying to be brave and just go for it, well I took the wrong subway somehow and ended up way passed where I wanted to be, so no big deal I would just go back on in the other direction. Well there was no overpass and so I went outside, which was a big mistake bc there were no other entrances at all! I was walking around in circles, in heels, with snow. Not a good combo. Especially for the coordinately challenged. I'm looking on my phone trying to find a way back to west 4th, I decided to walk it because what else was I going to do. Had about 10 people talk to me (ask me things, make rude comments, etc.) While I'm trying to text james and kerri ann (bc I didnt want to bother nelly) but I was really starting to freak out. Neither helped and the panic in me rose as I thought I'm seriously going to get raped in one of these back allies. I was on the verge of tears, and was 2 seconds away from calling my dad, even though he would flipppp outttt if he knew i was in the city alone, lost! which made me freak out more, i just needed to talk to someone, anyone. Kerri ann kept saying grab a cab, but i knew that would be expensive and all cabs seemed full. I'm not good with waving them down. Finally one stopped and i got in and he said oh btw its 20 dollars is that okay? As soon as he said that I started balling. I legit had a mental break down in the back of this guys cab. He kept saying to me don't cry don't cry (I think I freaked him out) and he was grabbing my hand and asking me why are you crying? I had no idea why I was crying so much in front of this guy, a stranger, when I never cry in front of ANYONE! I was trying to explain but I couldnt talk, I can never talk once I get going like that, I could barely breathe. He even made me sit in front with him and then he was giving me tissues and trying to make me stop crying. He was really nice but kind of creepy at the same time. Which of course only made things worse, here was a complete stranger being more comforting than anyone has been to me in months. He only charged me 10 dollars for the ride. But I was still so angry bc it was 10 dollars to go back to where I started from. Then I cant find my way in penn station,while I'm trying to pull myself together, I just cant win. Then I'm told we are going home. AWESOME! I just spent so much money going NOWHERE! I was really upset, with just everything and how I was being treated, like I didnt matter. I was still trying to hold it together, I listened to music to calm me bc i knew i would only get more and more upset if I let my thoughts be heard. I yet again had to pay more money for a train ticket home. I didnt want to think about how much i spent to ride on a train, get lost and be scared to death, then break down in a cab.... 40 dollars btw. It's bullshit! I only had $50 and my gas light is on, fantastic! Then I get told I'm going home, so this night was a waste, of money, of energy, of everything. I cried hysterically the whole way home, almost got into an accident and wondered if anyone would really care if I did. Until melody called me and I just absolutely love her! At least she knows how to attempt to make me feel better.
Tonight was just really disheartening and make me feel like shit, and it was just unnecessary.
But lets start from the beginning....
It was all really hectic. I have so much to do, studying and lab stuff. In lab I was rushing around trying to get things done so I could get out at a decent time but that still didnt happen. By the time I got out it was 8. I was rushing to get home, rushing to get ready, driving like a mad woman trying to make it for the 940 train. I was convinced I was going to miss it and I wouldve felt horrible! bc the next train was at 1040. I kept blaming myself, only if I got ready faster. I didn't even eat dinner because I wanted to make the train. The thing is I really have so much work to do (my pharm test is on wed! and I NEED to ace it!) and I dont have that much money so I wasnt so excited to go to the city no less, but it was for my friends birthday and I wanted to go for her. I even opted to go into the city by myself even though that really does terrify me. I couldve easily said sorry I have research, but I couldnt do that to her. So I sucked it up and went in by myself. I really do not know the city at all, and that is scary. I always said that if I was put in the situation I would figure it out... today I proved myself wrong. I was trying to be brave and just go for it, well I took the wrong subway somehow and ended up way passed where I wanted to be, so no big deal I would just go back on in the other direction. Well there was no overpass and so I went outside, which was a big mistake bc there were no other entrances at all! I was walking around in circles, in heels, with snow. Not a good combo. Especially for the coordinately challenged. I'm looking on my phone trying to find a way back to west 4th, I decided to walk it because what else was I going to do. Had about 10 people talk to me (ask me things, make rude comments, etc.) While I'm trying to text james and kerri ann (bc I didnt want to bother nelly) but I was really starting to freak out. Neither helped and the panic in me rose as I thought I'm seriously going to get raped in one of these back allies. I was on the verge of tears, and was 2 seconds away from calling my dad, even though he would flipppp outttt if he knew i was in the city alone, lost! which made me freak out more, i just needed to talk to someone, anyone. Kerri ann kept saying grab a cab, but i knew that would be expensive and all cabs seemed full. I'm not good with waving them down. Finally one stopped and i got in and he said oh btw its 20 dollars is that okay? As soon as he said that I started balling. I legit had a mental break down in the back of this guys cab. He kept saying to me don't cry don't cry (I think I freaked him out) and he was grabbing my hand and asking me why are you crying? I had no idea why I was crying so much in front of this guy, a stranger, when I never cry in front of ANYONE! I was trying to explain but I couldnt talk, I can never talk once I get going like that, I could barely breathe. He even made me sit in front with him and then he was giving me tissues and trying to make me stop crying. He was really nice but kind of creepy at the same time. Which of course only made things worse, here was a complete stranger being more comforting than anyone has been to me in months. He only charged me 10 dollars for the ride. But I was still so angry bc it was 10 dollars to go back to where I started from. Then I cant find my way in penn station,while I'm trying to pull myself together, I just cant win. Then I'm told we are going home. AWESOME! I just spent so much money going NOWHERE! I was really upset, with just everything and how I was being treated, like I didnt matter. I was still trying to hold it together, I listened to music to calm me bc i knew i would only get more and more upset if I let my thoughts be heard. I yet again had to pay more money for a train ticket home. I didnt want to think about how much i spent to ride on a train, get lost and be scared to death, then break down in a cab.... 40 dollars btw. It's bullshit! I only had $50 and my gas light is on, fantastic! Then I get told I'm going home, so this night was a waste, of money, of energy, of everything. I cried hysterically the whole way home, almost got into an accident and wondered if anyone would really care if I did. Until melody called me and I just absolutely love her! At least she knows how to attempt to make me feel better.
Tonight was just really disheartening and make me feel like shit, and it was just unnecessary.
Picking seashells in the summer
The one looks like its protecting the other one. It's kind of symbolic and makes me smile. Picking seashells on the beach is my favorite thing to do in the summer, I haven't done it in a while, probably because I lost my seashell picking partner but that shouldn't stop me from doing the things I love, I should embrace them, in her memory<3
Friday, February 26, 2010
Keep your head up
"When a drop of water falls on some people, they look down so they don’t get more wet. When it falls on other people, they look up to see where it is coming from. If you look up to see what might hit you in the face, you can usually avoid it. If you just cover your head and don’t find out what really is falling on you, it will just keep raining on you."
Fashion isn't just about clothes
I actually really like this bag, from juicy. It reminds me of spring and warmer weather, especially with all this snow lately. It's not too expensive ($148) and its fun.
Also, I will always love juicy and no not because I'm superficial (although I do know some people who would disagree) its because when I first discovered labels and fashion, it was in the Walt whitman mall, in bloomingdales, I remember like it was yesterday, back when it was me my mom and my dad against the world, when we'd go shopping together. I get my shopping addiction from my mom, she always went to the mall during her lunch breaks (at least I'm not that bad haha) and my dad loved to please her so he would tag along when we would go and put in his input, he has a good sense of fashion for an old guy haha. Well it was then that my dad went do you want to look at juicy stuff, and I had no idea what he was talking about, but the moment I saw the displays I was in love, now I probably wouldn't wear a track suit if my life depended on it but i was young and it was sparkly and fun. My dad bought me my first outfit then, and ever since I fell in love with fashion and labels.
I have a lot of clothes, most say too many, but its an accumulation of my life, each piece of clothing has a story behind it, where I bought it, where I wore it to, who I was with, what happened in it. I love my huge closet, in a way it reminds me how much I am like my mom and what me and my dad bonded over (he really is like a gay man) but most of all, beyond anything else, fashion & clothes always makes me happy. I am a firm believer in if you look good then you feel good. Picking out outfits is the highlight of my days sometimes. It is a good addiction.
Stop there and let me correct it....
Hmm I know I always said I was gonna look at life from a new perspective and considering how far I've come from last year I think I have, but I want to try differently again. Even if they are just small changes, I need to make them... for instance moving on once and for all from my past, it is clear now that it will only be just distant memories and I should make my mark now in the present day. I also want to travel somewhere new, when I get a free chance, I am determined even if it is just a solo trip or a trip to visit my niece and nephew, I miss them incredibly. I am glad I am starting something new with the research lab, not just for experience but to meet new people, even though being new terrifies me and I can be a bit shy and awkward, it will soon pass and I will make friends. And the main thing is I'm gonna change up my blog a bit, I seem to use it to only complain and yea it is a good outlet but I'm going to not complain (especially about a certain someone) and I'm going to try to be more well rounded. I seem to be in this little bubble that I'm desperately trying to break out of.
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