What the fuck happened tonight?!?

Today was one of the most scariest and most alone moments of my life.

But lets start from the beginning....
It was all really hectic. I have so much to do, studying and lab stuff. In lab I was rushing around trying to get things done so I could get out at a decent time but that still didnt happen. By the time I got out it was 8. I was rushing to get home, rushing to get ready, driving like a mad woman trying to make it for the 940 train. I was convinced I was going to miss it and I wouldve felt horrible! bc the next train was at 1040. I kept blaming myself, only if I got ready faster. I didn't even eat dinner because I wanted to make the train. The thing is I really have so much work to do (my pharm test is on wed! and I NEED to ace it!) and I dont have that much money so I wasnt so excited to go to the city no less, but it was for my friends birthday and I wanted to go for her. I even opted to go into the city by myself even though that really does terrify me. I couldve easily said sorry I have research, but I couldnt do that to her. So I sucked it up and went in by myself. I really do not know the city at all, and that is scary. I always said that if I was put in the situation I would figure it out... today I proved myself wrong. I was trying to be brave and just go for it, well I took the wrong subway somehow and ended up way passed where I wanted to be, so no big deal I would just go back on in the other direction. Well there was no overpass and so I went outside, which was a big mistake bc there were no other entrances at all! I was walking around in circles, in heels, with snow. Not a good combo. Especially for the coordinately challenged. I'm looking on my phone trying to find a way back to west 4th, I decided to walk it because what else was I going to do. Had about 10 people talk to me (ask me things, make rude comments, etc.) While I'm trying to text james and kerri ann (bc I didnt want to bother nelly) but I was really starting to freak out. Neither helped and the panic in me rose as I thought I'm seriously going to get raped in one of these back allies. I was on the verge of tears, and was 2 seconds away from calling my dad, even though he would flipppp outttt if he knew i was in the city alone, lost! which made me freak out more, i just needed to talk to someone, anyone. Kerri ann kept saying grab a cab, but i knew that would be expensive and all cabs seemed full. I'm not good with waving them down. Finally one stopped and i got in and he said oh btw its 20 dollars is that okay? As soon as he said that I started balling. I legit had a mental break down in the back of this guys cab. He kept saying to me don't cry don't cry (I think I freaked him out) and he was grabbing my hand and asking me why are you crying? I had no idea why I was crying so much in front of this guy, a stranger, when I never cry in front of ANYONE! I was trying to explain but I couldnt talk, I can never talk once I get going like that, I could barely breathe. He even made me sit in front with him and then he was giving me tissues and trying to make me stop crying. He was really nice but kind of creepy at the same time. Which of course only made things worse, here was a complete stranger being more comforting than anyone has been to me in months. He only charged me 10 dollars for the ride. But I was still so angry bc it was 10 dollars to go back to where I started from. Then I cant find my way in penn station,while I'm trying to pull myself together, I just cant win. Then I'm told we are going home. AWESOME! I just spent so much money going NOWHERE! I was really upset, with just everything and how I was being treated, like I didnt matter. I was still trying to hold it together, I listened to music to calm me bc i knew i would only get more and more upset if I let my thoughts be heard. I yet again had to pay more money for a train ticket home. I didnt want to think about how much i spent to ride on a train, get lost and be scared to death, then break down in a cab.... 40 dollars btw. It's bullshit! I only had $50 and my gas light is on, fantastic! Then I get told I'm going home, so this night was a waste, of money, of energy, of everything. I cried hysterically the whole way home, almost got into an accident and wondered if anyone would really care if I did. Until melody called me and I just absolutely love her! At least she knows how to attempt to make me feel better.

Tonight was just really disheartening and make me feel like shit, and it was just unnecessary.