Frustrated with life right now.

It's not really christmas without you

Christmas is tomorrow, it doesn't feel like it nor am I excited....

boys.

mhmm

yep yep

life.

I was only human, but you acted like a fool.

Somebody does something stupid, that's human. They don't stop when they see it's wrong, that's a fool.

very important

"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that's important" -Marilyn Monroe

I honestly dont even know why I care.

Ok here it goes, confession time, I wish I could say this out loud but I'm afraid I will be judged and bring up bad times that I dont want to be repeated. But I just need to let it out, it all started off with a dream, well not really but anyways I had a very livid dream last night and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. The thing is it felt real, but in a way it already happened. Ok well it was about pj and me being mad at him [again] and him trying to change my mind and apologize [again]. So many things wrong with that dream. One I hate that its about him because honestly its getting old. I want to be indifferent to him. However, I feel bad, no matter how ludicrous that sounds (I think its just the type of person I am, maybe just maybe I miss him?) I dont know but more on that later...

um ok so yeah the dream was fucked up because it was exactly like in august when he apologized and all that wonderful crap. I just hate that it's the same situation again, like its getting old, I dont want to seem like I'm so mad at him because truth be told I'm really not, I could care less if he come or not, I just dont want to seem like I'm not inviting him on purpose to hurt him. Yea I don't want to invite him for the obvious reasons of what he said about me and seeming like I desperately want him to come but I really dont care if hes there, I mean we have mutual friends, I feel like a brat by saying no u cant come. I would rather it be like an open invitation without me inviting him personally. I mean when you really think about it, I said a lot of hateful things about him also, things that he wasnt meant to see or hear, is it the same situation? I called him an asshole so many times and if anyone else saw it they would think I hated him but I didnt. Just like with what he said but I could just be making excuses. I think I just miss having him as a friend, because despite everything we became pretty good friends, and it was nice, I enjoyed having him as a friend, we talked a lot and that was different for me with any other guy really, we got along really well. I was past the whole I want us to be more than friends, because I knew that would never happen. I have these conflicting thoughts (that I know I shouldnt even be thinking about but my mind never turns off) that he only hung around for jess, which helps me dislike him more and makes it easier to be a bitch, but he hung out lots of times after that, but on the other hand I could feel that it was somewhat different, I dont know.

Also, I felt bad that I didnt say happy birthday, and I really for the life of me dont know why, I felt like a bitch and yea he does deserve it but I dont like sinking low to other peoples standards, I feel bad enough to say now whoa sorry I missed your birthday, but on the other hand, he didnt invited me to do anything for his birthday, granted he didnt tell anyone else but I dont know that for a fact. If he told me to come hang out for his birthday I wouldve said happy birthday (even though there was no way I would go celebrate). I feel like such a train wreck because even writing it all down is making me think I'm crazy. I dont know how to explain how I feel. I dont like him I know that for a fact, I dont want the bullshit that he brings with him. I dont want to feel petty, and I feel petty, like I'm not including him as a way to get back at him for not trying hard enough to be my friend, when hes a guy and I dont get mad at how I dont talk to joe or eric but I still consider them my friends. Maybe because we had a closer relationship, and I miss having a guy I can talk to the way I talked to him, like nelly has all these different guys she can go to for advice and I really dont, not anymore, and thats what sucks the most. I use to have a lot of people I could talk to or just hang out with and now I cant even name 5 people, its sad and pathetic, and it makes me feel sorry for myself which isnt cool at all. It makes me feel like a brat because I use to have a lot of friends and now I dont have as many as I use to but its still a fair amount and I love them to death. I really just dont know what I want and thats whats the most frustrating thing of all. I dont think I want to give him a third [wow] chance again even if he did show some sign of wanting to be friends. But then again I'm wanting him to do all this work and meanwhile I'm not willing to do anything, I will not text him but I wouldnt mind if he texted me? but then again he should....

SEE inner torment, I keep going back and forth. I dont mind him not being around by any means, I truly think I'm remembering the good times we had when I considered him a good friend when I could be able to go to his house and watch the yankee game with his mom and sister and it not be awkward. I keep thinking of all the times we hung out and it was nice. But I'm also forgetting why I'm not bothering with him anymore. I don't even think I would call him an asshole but he did some fucked up things, and hes too selfish, thats the main thing. ughh I dont even know, I just dont want to be labeled a bitch, because I know eric and phill are going to wonder where he is and then say oh wow this again. But do I honestly care what they think about that situation, because they dont know what happened....

Anyways, this is getting lengthy and I thought maybe by writing it out I would come to some brilliant conclusion but alas no, I'm just majorly conflicted and I wish I knew what to do. I know I should just forget about it and not worry so god damn much about if I hurt someones feelings when no one seems to care about mine, but thats not the type of person I am, I dont believe in this how-you-treat-me-I'm-gonna-treat-you-right-back-the-same-way thing, I'd rather kill people with kindness hah. I don't know... see train wreck.

why am I not worth fighting for?

What hurts more than losing you, is to know that you're not fighting to keep me

- Anon (post secret)

Better sounds good

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

I'm blasting my music, so I won't hear my thoughts.

"You can run just as fast as you want to but you're stuck with yourself all the time, I can run as fast as I want to but I'm stuck inside my mind."

Am I?

"Stop waiting for Mr. Perfect, just have fun."

-Dan O'shea

I dont think I'm capable of just having fun, I dont know how to do that...

Its all in my head right?

I've seriously been crying way too much lately, I don't know what is wrong with me, maybe the stress is getting to me, maybe I just need someone to talk to.... I really could use a friend right now.... but surprise surprise I'm all alone.

I'm trying so hard not to be depressed right now and I'm afraid its a losing battle...

Does anyone care?!

hjrgjldks;podjpoergjkdfnirghhsdlkflskdhlseoerighlkksfove'oirhgl

hreglahf'lgkhgoijerg!!!!!!

I'm seriously gonna have a nervous breakdown...

FUCK THIS!

New years Resolution:

-Be happy with yourself

-Work out (get in shape)

-Be more open minded.

-Give people a chance (boys/friends)

-Don't hold grudges, its bad for the soul.

-Accept things for how they are, know that things happen for a reason.

-Appreciate the people in your life now.

-Put the past behind you.

-Focus on the future.

-Try not to worry so much,stress shows on your face.

-Be more laid back (not uptight)

-Have fun, pure laugh-until-you-cry fun.

-Surround yourself with positive & fun people.

-Learn something new.

-Learn something about someone else, be selfless.

-Be a good friend, even if you don't feel like people are good friends back, its always better to be the bigger person.

-Love, don't be afraid to embrace it to fall head over heals.

-Let people in, push those who don't matter out.

-Make your own decisions because the advice you take is from people who don't have to deal with the consequences.

-No regrets, remember it made you happy once.

-Do whatever you want, even if it seems stupid.

-And Remember you only live once so go ahead make an ass out of yourself, as long as you go down laughing.

my xmas list

Dear Santa,

I just want the prospect of a new crush, someone who has potential, who I want to get to know. Please santa, I just want the butterflies again.

Love,

Lauren

I think what I hate most in the world is feeling sorry for myself... thats NOT me!

mommy

I feel alone.

I think we all just want someone to ask us if we're okay. To know that someone, anyone in the world cares about us, that we matter to someone, that we are important, that someone wants to make us feel better, that someone is happy to see us, that we are missed, that we're not alone, because the most horrible thing in the world is feeling that we are alone, and more horrible than that is it being true.

I think we all take things way too personally... but if it hurts us then doesn't it become personal?!

"It hurts when you can't have what you want,
But it hurts even more when you don't know what you want"

The holiday

" Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you. "

"In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend. "

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

sad reality

Love shouldnt be hard work.

life happened.

This chick haunts my life but cant deny her lyrics sometimes

mmm Dr. Malave I like the sound of that

ummm HI

Sometimes I feel like an asshole and unappreciated....

Time doesn't heal all wounds

No one really knows how sad I really am... most of all me.

i trick myselfs sometimes into thinking I'm this happy person that I present to everyone else.

Today Kathleen said how she hasnt known anyone close to her who has died, she still has both grandparents... I thought whoa lucky you. It was an open invitation for me to say something and i'm usually ok with sharing the unfortunate events in my life but I clammed up. I actually was trying all of my strength to keep from breaking down right there at work in front of someone I barely knew. Maybe thats why I couldnt just say it, but i dont know. I felt a gapping whole in my chest, my stomach dropped to the floor, my throat closed tight, and I was barely able to breath... this is what happens when I miss my mom, which is every moment of my life. Yea its suppressed when I'm distracted but its still there. It never really goes away. This happens anytime my dad mentions my mom, my throat closes so tight that I cant talk and my feet make their way to the door, I cant talk to him, i'll break down and I need to keep my composure bc if I let go for even a second I'm engulf with this feeling of emptiness and helplessness. I especially dont want my dad to see that bc i know he'll respond the same way. Its too much to even say her name around him without me tearing up. I cant handle him being as depressed as I am, I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone, and i know its harder for him. And thats what kills me the most, I wish I could do something to ease his pain, but the problem is i'm trying to ease my pain as well. I've been home more and talking to her more, out loud like shes right next to me, I feel like shes right next to me, and it makes it harder and comforting at the same time. Dreams are the same way. I guess shes been on my mind a lot lately. its become a ritual where when I pull up to my house I stare at it, it looks so normal, the way my life use to be, its nice to pretend for that split second, and then i remember and collapse into this familiar state and wait until the wave of sadness passes or until I pull myself together and go inside.

I know I'm not that depressed, I am a happy person, or I try to be, I know my mom wouldnt want me to be so torn up about losing her, but I think i compensate for feeling so sad inside by projecting my happy self outside.

umm best reason to go to jail =)

It's 108 degrees over here <3

Always remember

Should NOT be like this

strong face

"I dont know how to live in a world where you don't belong"
"Yea that never really goes away"

Every thing I do in life I do with extreme passion

What we all live for

Scared

I could've loved you forever, if you let me....

Ew 9's are ugly to write...

Who knew this saying at the beginning of the year with ppl who are not in my life anymore would pretty much sum up the year 2009. It was ugly to be frank, I was ugly, my so called "best friends" turned out to be ugly, the people who said this saying are no longer in my life. Needless to say I am glad 2009 is over. We ended on a good note though, but it just needs to be over. I always feel like a new year is a fresh start. I don't totally hate 2009, I learned a lot from it, a lot was unnecessary crap but it needed to happen in order for me to be where I am right now and to have the goals that I have. My goals are tough and I am determined to succeed and I feel like I will get closer to my goals in 2010. I need to put this past year behind me and move on with my life. It was just one year in my huge life, it will not matter 5 years from now, it will only be looked back upon as the turning point in my life, where I actually decided what was important and turned away from everything (everyone) that was not. I am actually okay with everything that happened, I accept it and am content with it, it sucks but so does everything else in life, I wished things turned out differently but I would not be in the same mind set as I am right now.
Goodbye 2009 you were a great learning lesson for me, hopefully 2010 will be much more happier and successful, and hopefully the people I bring in the new year with will be around for 2011 and I have have no doubt that that is true. I should've realized how drama-filled 2009 would be by the way it was on new years eve, that was a wild day. I like fun but no drama. 2010 here I come...


oh and 10's are so much prettier to write haha

life is only as good as you make it

I wish we could be young kids again, their outlook on life is one to be marveled at. Getting older is when everyone feels sorry for themselves. The most inspiring place is the pediatric oncology department, seriously these kids have the best attitudes, they do NOT feel sorry for themselves, and here they are with the most unlucky situation in life, it is not fair and they dont hate the world for it (for the most part). Getting older we complain too much about useless things, life is only as good as you make it, if youre gonna feel sorry for yourself and hate your life then yes your life will suck bc you dont want to be in it, and life is the one thing that you have to put all your energy into doing, you have to go head first into situations in order to really LIVE, that is what life is about, really living. Even when things in your life seem to not be fair, its really your attitude that gets you through it, only if you want it to. So want it to, because its not worth being miserable everyday. So you dont have a boyfriend or someone who loves you... you have to love yourself first, if you can stand being alone with yourself then you can stand to be with someone else to, your heart has to be in it for the first reasons, and there are more ppl than you know who depend on you and who think youre amazing and who love you, actually love you for all the right reasons. The right boy will come, someone who loves everything about you and cant get enough, the way everyone deserves to be loved. It will happen, just dont ever give up, if you put 100% in everything you do, you will eventually get 100% back, just stick through it.