Time doesn't heal all wounds

No one really knows how sad I really am... most of all me.

i trick myselfs sometimes into thinking I'm this happy person that I present to everyone else.

Today Kathleen said how she hasnt known anyone close to her who has died, she still has both grandparents... I thought whoa lucky you. It was an open invitation for me to say something and i'm usually ok with sharing the unfortunate events in my life but I clammed up. I actually was trying all of my strength to keep from breaking down right there at work in front of someone I barely knew. Maybe thats why I couldnt just say it, but i dont know. I felt a gapping whole in my chest, my stomach dropped to the floor, my throat closed tight, and I was barely able to breath... this is what happens when I miss my mom, which is every moment of my life. Yea its suppressed when I'm distracted but its still there. It never really goes away. This happens anytime my dad mentions my mom, my throat closes so tight that I cant talk and my feet make their way to the door, I cant talk to him, i'll break down and I need to keep my composure bc if I let go for even a second I'm engulf with this feeling of emptiness and helplessness. I especially dont want my dad to see that bc i know he'll respond the same way. Its too much to even say her name around him without me tearing up. I cant handle him being as depressed as I am, I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone, and i know its harder for him. And thats what kills me the most, I wish I could do something to ease his pain, but the problem is i'm trying to ease my pain as well. I've been home more and talking to her more, out loud like shes right next to me, I feel like shes right next to me, and it makes it harder and comforting at the same time. Dreams are the same way. I guess shes been on my mind a lot lately. its become a ritual where when I pull up to my house I stare at it, it looks so normal, the way my life use to be, its nice to pretend for that split second, and then i remember and collapse into this familiar state and wait until the wave of sadness passes or until I pull myself together and go inside.

I know I'm not that depressed, I am a happy person, or I try to be, I know my mom wouldnt want me to be so torn up about losing her, but I think i compensate for feeling so sad inside by projecting my happy self outside.