I honestly dont even know why I care.

Ok here it goes, confession time, I wish I could say this out loud but I'm afraid I will be judged and bring up bad times that I dont want to be repeated. But I just need to let it out, it all started off with a dream, well not really but anyways I had a very livid dream last night and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. The thing is it felt real, but in a way it already happened. Ok well it was about pj and me being mad at him [again] and him trying to change my mind and apologize [again]. So many things wrong with that dream. One I hate that its about him because honestly its getting old. I want to be indifferent to him. However, I feel bad, no matter how ludicrous that sounds (I think its just the type of person I am, maybe just maybe I miss him?) I dont know but more on that later...

um ok so yeah the dream was fucked up because it was exactly like in august when he apologized and all that wonderful crap. I just hate that it's the same situation again, like its getting old, I dont want to seem like I'm so mad at him because truth be told I'm really not, I could care less if he come or not, I just dont want to seem like I'm not inviting him on purpose to hurt him. Yea I don't want to invite him for the obvious reasons of what he said about me and seeming like I desperately want him to come but I really dont care if hes there, I mean we have mutual friends, I feel like a brat by saying no u cant come. I would rather it be like an open invitation without me inviting him personally. I mean when you really think about it, I said a lot of hateful things about him also, things that he wasnt meant to see or hear, is it the same situation? I called him an asshole so many times and if anyone else saw it they would think I hated him but I didnt. Just like with what he said but I could just be making excuses. I think I just miss having him as a friend, because despite everything we became pretty good friends, and it was nice, I enjoyed having him as a friend, we talked a lot and that was different for me with any other guy really, we got along really well. I was past the whole I want us to be more than friends, because I knew that would never happen. I have these conflicting thoughts (that I know I shouldnt even be thinking about but my mind never turns off) that he only hung around for jess, which helps me dislike him more and makes it easier to be a bitch, but he hung out lots of times after that, but on the other hand I could feel that it was somewhat different, I dont know.

Also, I felt bad that I didnt say happy birthday, and I really for the life of me dont know why, I felt like a bitch and yea he does deserve it but I dont like sinking low to other peoples standards, I feel bad enough to say now whoa sorry I missed your birthday, but on the other hand, he didnt invited me to do anything for his birthday, granted he didnt tell anyone else but I dont know that for a fact. If he told me to come hang out for his birthday I wouldve said happy birthday (even though there was no way I would go celebrate). I feel like such a train wreck because even writing it all down is making me think I'm crazy. I dont know how to explain how I feel. I dont like him I know that for a fact, I dont want the bullshit that he brings with him. I dont want to feel petty, and I feel petty, like I'm not including him as a way to get back at him for not trying hard enough to be my friend, when hes a guy and I dont get mad at how I dont talk to joe or eric but I still consider them my friends. Maybe because we had a closer relationship, and I miss having a guy I can talk to the way I talked to him, like nelly has all these different guys she can go to for advice and I really dont, not anymore, and thats what sucks the most. I use to have a lot of people I could talk to or just hang out with and now I cant even name 5 people, its sad and pathetic, and it makes me feel sorry for myself which isnt cool at all. It makes me feel like a brat because I use to have a lot of friends and now I dont have as many as I use to but its still a fair amount and I love them to death. I really just dont know what I want and thats whats the most frustrating thing of all. I dont think I want to give him a third [wow] chance again even if he did show some sign of wanting to be friends. But then again I'm wanting him to do all this work and meanwhile I'm not willing to do anything, I will not text him but I wouldnt mind if he texted me? but then again he should....

SEE inner torment, I keep going back and forth. I dont mind him not being around by any means, I truly think I'm remembering the good times we had when I considered him a good friend when I could be able to go to his house and watch the yankee game with his mom and sister and it not be awkward. I keep thinking of all the times we hung out and it was nice. But I'm also forgetting why I'm not bothering with him anymore. I don't even think I would call him an asshole but he did some fucked up things, and hes too selfish, thats the main thing. ughh I dont even know, I just dont want to be labeled a bitch, because I know eric and phill are going to wonder where he is and then say oh wow this again. But do I honestly care what they think about that situation, because they dont know what happened....

Anyways, this is getting lengthy and I thought maybe by writing it out I would come to some brilliant conclusion but alas no, I'm just majorly conflicted and I wish I knew what to do. I know I should just forget about it and not worry so god damn much about if I hurt someones feelings when no one seems to care about mine, but thats not the type of person I am, I dont believe in this how-you-treat-me-I'm-gonna-treat-you-right-back-the-same-way thing, I'd rather kill people with kindness hah. I don't know... see train wreck.