Whats on my mind....

Ive been sad this week over my mom a lot, it keeps hitting me at the weirdest times with the weirdest things. Shopping at lord and taylor, it was the hardest thing and that was a weird experience. I use to go there with you it seems like every day, but we were a team that always shopped together. You're the reason I love to shop! I was looking at the clothes in a different sense than I use to bc im older now and of course bc i dont have u there to buy anything i wanted. That was the most different, bc you would always be so selfless and buy me anything and everything if u could. This time i looked at the price tags and went jeez no thanks, but i knew even if i said that u would still buy it for me. You always had ur coupons but still, i miss that loving gesture, i dont think i appreciated it as much as i shouldve. I really miss everything. The worst is thinking what would you be doing right now if you were still here, what would i be doing? I know id be happy with you being here, i always was. Now I look outward for my happiness hoping i can find it in someone like i had in you, and i always seem to be disappointed bc no one will ever love me with the devotedness that you did. It hurts so much to even think about me having to go on without you there. I look at nicole and how shes pregnant and her mom always commenting on her status and stuff and how they're best friends and I miss us, I'll never have that. I always said I would move next to u when i had a family bc i knew how much it killed u that darlene and them were so far away. I wanted to make it up to you, plus i couldnt do it alone, i need you. Idk what im gonna do when that time comes. I'm gonna be lost. I remember me and daddy found a blanket u made, idk who for, and i thought oh maybe give it to sophia and daddy goes no keep it for when u have a baby and i seriously did everything in my power to keep my composure bc it hit me that i wouldnt get a little outfit for my baby like u did for darlenes, i cant handle u not being around. Idk why these past few weeks ive been crying nonstop but i cant help but miss you terribly. I almost lost it in the diner today in front of my new friends who dont know that side of me to comfort me, when i saw a lady sitting at a table by herself eating and she looked like u for a second i though it was you but then it was this lonely lady who i couldnt help but cry for bc she seemed so alone. I know the feeling. I loved being with uncle charlie and aunt maria and aunt debbie they make me feel loved like a family should, im not use to that either. I'm use to just me and my dad and as much as i love him with all of my heart, its not the same and i know he feels the same way. he more keeps to him self, but i need to open up to ppl and distract myself and i need constant reminders that I am worth being loved. That i am worth being made dinner for. The thing that pisses me off more than anything is the fact that sarah and charlie dont appreciate aunt maria at all and sleeping over there one night and waking up to her cooking breakfast for us, made me appreciate her so much, bc thats something a mom does and thats somethign i will never know again, and they treat it like its nothing and shes just always going to be there, they dont even say thank you they just bitch and treat her like shit, and she continues to love them despite all of it bc thats what moms do, I think one of these days im gonna try talking to sarah about it but i know she'll never listen to me. It really bothers me tho. I had a dream last night that also really bothers me, I woke up so upset by it and it upset me more bc of the subject. It was very weird but basically i was in class and pj maria and jess were apparently in the same class and we walk outside and i hear them talking about me, and it was really mean and then pj walked away and left maria and jess going wow i feel bad for lauren, like i wasnt standing there, and i walk after pj regardless of what i know just happened then i turn around and hear jess and maria talking to my new friends about how stupid i act over him... it was all very sureal. Idk if its basically putting in a nutshell what happened or what. Maybe its just me trying to remind myself that pjs not a good person and i know this, ive experienced it, idk why i forgave him for doing what he did. I actually missed him today and that freaks me out bc why would i miss someone who only causes me pain?! i reallyyy dont get it. I dont understand why i think he makes me happy. I really thoguht i was over it, bc when he rsvp no to joes party i was like oh ok, i really didnt care at all and normally id be so lets face it miserable, but i wasnt. So idk why all of a sudden i want to talk to him. Maybe im just lonely in the liking someone aspect and im going towards the person i last liked? i know i even tried to talk to dan O and he hates me i swear, and it sucks but it is what it is. idk maybe i was just feeling weak today, hopefully tomorrow is better...ugh BUt why do i miss you?! I met ppl who actually appreciate me, and compliment me and i know i can find someone who wants me in every sense of the word, who likes being around me, when you clearly dont, well not as much as i would like u to. I know i can do better and yet i still keep going back to u and it kills me! I really want to know why u have such a hold on me, and its not like i dont try to disconnect u from my life, i dont talk to u and i delete ur number and i hate you! yet i keep going back to u, or u keep pulling me back to u i should say. i mean it all comes down to u liking the attention bc its true we do like to be around ppl who like us even if we dont like them back bc it boosts our ego, but its ridiculous, i wish i was more mature with the way i handle u, and i really wish i would stop fucking missing you! mb i miss feeling like shit all the time and the drama that u bring, idk i really dont. A part of me wants to stop any communication with u for good, and another part wants to forget my pride and just hang out, to actually be friends, to hang out and to be cool, i just have this suspicion that ur gonna somehow burn me again, and i cant be friends with u if i always have doubt. ughhh i wish u werent such a dick and i wish i would find someone else already to forget all about u, bc thats the reason why i cant fully move on bc i need to like someone else to get over it all! but i havent met anyone worth it yet, im hoping i do soon.