You never get over a loss of a loved one, you're just FORCED to live without them

Almost 2 years and it freaks me out, i cant even describe how much. I've been thinking/dreaming/pretending about you a lot lately and it breaks my heart to know that i can never be truly happy as i was when u were still alive. I stop myself from remembering our long car rides, our shopping trips, or when u would just come home and say here i was at the store and thought u would like this. I miss someone caring about me no matter what i did wrong and telling me that its ok, that i'm gonna be ok that i shouldnt be upset by things. You had so much faith in me to be a good person and to be smart, even when i wasnt, u would never be disappointed. You would tell me how pretty i was when i knew i wasnt, but in ur eyes i was. I miss that feeling i always got when u were around. How you could immediately tell when i was upset and even when i said i was ok you knew i wasnt and would give me a hug, oh how much i miss those hugs, i felt so secure like nothing bad could happen to me. I will never have anything close to how i felt with you. I would like to think I'm not that screwed up because of what happened but how can i just literally watch the most important person in my life die and say that it doesnt still affect me?! I have intimacy issues bc of it, i constantly need to have a sense of being loved and not alone. i constantly need reassurance of this feeling bc i was so use to feeling it everyday and now i dont. i miss dinner, i havent had a real dinner since the last time you cooked, but then again a real dinner would include you and that will never happen. I honestly dont know how i do it,this whatever this is. And i dont know how i can be strong in this sense but not in anything else in my life, i guess all my strength goes to not having a mental breakdown. I dwell on everything else except this bc the moment it even comes in my mind i break down so i push it away. i cant describe in words the feelings i get when i think about you, it hurts doesnt even come close. I feel like i cant go on with my life without you. I always say a piece of me died with you and its true, i'm not the same person and even tho my life is better in a social sense than it was, i would trade it all in a second. I always feel alone, and its not fair that i havent even gotten the chance to not feel alone anymore. Ive had the worst luck in that department with guys and i really need to not feel alone anymore. I know this semester is gonna be filled with loneliness and i cant handle that. I feel like no one cares about this aspect of my life or how much it still affects me, i cant possible ask that of my friends to be sympathetic still bc it has been 2 years but for me that just means 2 years of my life without her and i really dont know how im not worse than i am. Maybe I'm just good at pretending like everything is fine, or being in denial about everything, i dont know. Maybe it'll get easier, maybe one day i wont feel so alone, hopefully that day will be soon.