You're not worth it.

This is bull shit what am I doing?????? I actually had a good week I got a freaking A, an A!! on a biochem exam, an exam I thought I failed! It still seems unreal to me but i got an A! I was so happy and then i wasn't and I cant understand why. Then I get into a research lab, something i've been stressing about bc i need it to graduate and again i should be ecstatic, but again I was happy for a second. I was happy I was friends with you again but its causing too much shit. You're not worth it! whether i want to admit it or not you were a major cause in my fight with jess and that led to her not wanting to be my friend. Why am I so pathetic?! and even now its ruining good things that I have, for what?! To be friends with someone who calls me a cunt and says really nasty things about me. Why the fuck did I give you a chance?! you dont deserve one! I wish I could take it back. I wish I yelled at you more. ITS NOT OKAY! what you said and what you did was not okay! why am I so quick to allow you back into my life, into my heart... I shouldnt be friends with you, I cant just be friends with you, I've realized that. No matter how much I missed you, its not worth all this shit. You caused me nothing but pain this summer, I wish i never met you. You're killing me. But more importantly, I'm letting you. I really want to be there tomorrow when you talk to nelly because I want to tell you things I shouldve said in the beginning. I was so mad at you after it happened I couldnt stand the sight of you, idk what changed. What gives you any right to say those things about me and then still be my friend. What makes me forgive you. Because you said you were sorry and you got "bad vibes". FUCK YOU! I hate you, you're ruining my life! Yea I know its more like I'm ruining my life because of you. ANd for what?! who are u to me?! who the fuck are you?! YOURE NO ONE! You are an insignificant person in my huge life. Its my life, I should have control over it. I don't and it freaks me out. I do everything wrong, I just want to make things right, BUT NOT WITH YOU! You're fake and you just missed my attention not me. I'm not special! This is why I didnt want to talk to you bc i knew I couldnt trust myself and that I would forgive you in a second. You dont deserve it! what have you EVER done for me?! The fact that I would let anyone treat me like that and then say its ok is bull shit. No matter how much I supposably missed you during those weeks of us not talking it was a lot better than this. I cant do this anymore. Why do you have such an affect on me?! I need to stop this before it consumes me, I just hope its not too late. =(


Thank you to my friends who disapproved and Dan O for yelling at me and making me see what I couldnt make myself see. It was harsh but it needed to be said.