uhh pity party of one.

I wish life was different. Maybe thats why I cant really be truly happy, because I want things to be different, and some things to be how they were. I know that is a lot to ask and life just sucks like that but it just seems like one thing after another. I feel like people either die or leave in my life. No wonder I'm so insecure about things. Like I need constant conformation that I matter to someone, anyone. I just want things to be better and lately they haven't been. My dad's been talking about this and I usually just brushed it off because its just too much for me to handle. I know he's not making much money and since my mom's income is no longer coming in, he's been paying bills with his savings and the moneys dwindling. Therefore, he wants to sell the house. I know I have no choice on the matter at all and I would just be a brat if I said I didn't want to move but I really don't and it freaks me out. We put so much into this house, from scratch! And by we i mean my mom included. This house is my mom. Me and her painted the rooms together, decorated, planted, everything! She died in this house! Right in her room. It's HER room! I know that makes me seem like a brat but it's really comforting that she was once in this house and she decorated everything in it. I know it's just a house but it means so much to me, it's my home. And the back yard is my favorite part, it was just dirt and trees and we made it really pretty. I don't want to leave my pool =( He even mentioned not having a pool but all my life I always had a pool, an underground pool, I was spoiled. And last summer I didnt get to appreciate it that much. I take it for granted. I know it's a big house for just me and my dad, but I'm very attached to it. I know I have to deal with it and support this decision because it's not my dad's fault and I know he's probably feeling the same way, but it's just not fair and I feel like most things in my life aren't. My whole life is one big "not fair" statement. I literally cried when it sunk in that this time my dad really meant it. I was even helping him look at condos (wow never in my life would I think I would live in a condo) but on the inside I was trying my hardest not to break down. I felt it coming on and had to leave the room, went upstairs into my mom's bed and just sobbed, I feel like I would be leaving her in a way. I know I will eventually but right now I'm just not ready for it at all.

I know life can always be a lot worse but just ONCE I wish something would go right. Like I said before, just throw me a freaking bone, ugh!

Sometimes I don't know how I do it....