Scared

I dont know why it only took me a small amount of time to fall for you again. I went months without talking to you and I was fine, I didn't once think of texting you, maybe I was mad that you hadn't texted me, and sometimes I can be very proud. However, seeing you again and talking to you made me remember why I liked you and reminded me how good we are together. Then we'd text and the things you were saying really got to me, you can be so sweet when you want to be. Then you actually call me and this wasn't the first time we've talked on the phone but the other times were when I told you we shouldn't be friends and you called me to convince me otherwise. I still will never understand why you fought for that, or why you stuck around, even now. I should give you more credit for that. I went back and forth so many times and dragged you along with me, and you're still around telling me that you don't hate me. The thing is I still have a lot of insecurities about that, thinking that you judge everything I do, that you talk shit to feez, or the one thought that will make me crazy, that you only hung out with me because of jess. Because when I'm trying to figure out how you feel I think back to our times together and how we hung out all the time, but then I think it was because Jess would tag along, I dont know if this is true and I know I shouldnt bring it up but the thought kills me. I know I need to let it go completely because I will always resent you for that. But on the other hand you havent mentioned them not even once, maybe you got the hint that I dont want to talk about them. Even when I mentioned the june 6th party and you said about that famous game where feez got the last cup behind the back (I forgot about that) you didnt mention who my partner was, which I was very gracious of. I can sit here and say you just used me to get closer to her but then why are you around now, when you know there is no chance for that to happen. Or why did you never try to hang out with them without me. These are my own fears and I know I have to forget about them but theyre on the back of my mind. You do seem different now, trying to be a good friend, but I'm not sure what that means. I think you may like me at least a tiny bit because if you dont then I would really like to know how you act with someone you do like. But there are things that you do that tell me you don't like me, and my gut feeling is saying you don't. But my mind and heart say you do... I dont know which one will win in the end. I think I make excuses for you and am blinded because I want my suspicions to be true. I feel crazy and right back where I was last year. And if that taught me anything its that I should trust my gut feeling. But (and theres always a but) I want to try with you to know for sure because I cant keep dragging myself along in hopes that one day you'll make a move, I need to be realistic and chances are that will never happen. I'll pay more attention to your actions and try to interpret them, I just wish this was easy. It is true that how you feel about me has always been up in the air, I should probably just go for it. I'm not a boring, ugly, terrible person, why wouldn't you like me?! I feel like you're holding back and I dont understand why, why can't you just let yourself like me. I feel like you're stopping us from happening and I really don't know why. You havent had a girlfriend or just a girl in awhile now, did she screw you up that badly?! Is that the reason why I feel that you like me but you won't do anything. Maybe thats it. because its like as soon as we get close, you close yourself off, and it usually leaves me confused as hell, is that your defense kicking in? Now what do I have to do to change it. I figured you would see I'm different but then again I do act crazy when it comes to you. I act mean and tease you as a defense mechanism so you don't know how much I really do like you, even though its completely obvious. You've said jokely to me that maybe I should be more nicer to you and its true I really should be but I think it'll just come off weird because I'm not one to try to feed into your ego. But I think thats all an act and you really are insecure about things. You may like me but you just don't want all the issues that come with a relationship or the vulnerability, but thats a dumb reason to subside your feelings. Hmm I think writing this out made me realize something, I think I know what I need to do. We'll see.